okitactless | IC inbox; recolle

It's been true since the beginning. [Yasusada "thoughtlessly thoughtful" Yamato, who shrugs as he says it in response to the offer. Whether he'll actually bother to give it a try or not, he hasn't yet decided... it depends on whether Kashuu will continue to look that distressed every time they look at each other, really.]

Well, I haven't tried it again so I'm hoping it went away... [But even as he says it, the reluctance with which he's speaking makes it clear he doesn't think it did.] Do you remember when I told about that fight, with those crazy guys that broke in?

[Crazy guys who now just seem like regular old mobsters doing mobster things, since Yamato doesn't remember he'd been fighting to protect Yato at the time. Whoops.]

[HUFFS just huffs because he can't handle this sort of unintentional kindness, what the heck!! Let him live... Let him live his best life.]

Yeah, I remember that. [HOW COULD HE FORGET. He also remembers the Yato part of the equation but since he isn't yet aware that Yamato's forgotten about him, he doesn't bother mentioning it.] What happened then?

[With whatever changed, since clearly SOMETHING CHANGED and Yamtatoes didn't TELL HIM!! (Kind of like how he hasn't mentioned any of his dang changes, either. Pot, kettle, etc.)]

[NO NO LIVING ALLOWED, only sakura fubuki.

AND NO JUDGING WITH YOUR SECRETY SECRETS PEANUT GOSH!! So what if Yamato hasn't mentioned anything about the memory he'd seen just before their fight, it's totally not the same thing.

He's committed to fessing up to this, though, so after biting his lip, he pushes up his sleeve to point at a spot on his arm.]

I said I didn't get hurt, but... I did, actually. One of them had a knife, and they got me right here.

[Except that there's no visible evidence of a stab or a cut at all. Not even the faintest hint of a scar, and Kashuu definitely would've at least noticed a bandage on him at some point, if he'd had an open wound.]

After they were down, I went to look at it to see if I needed to go to the hospital, but... there was nothing. Lots of blood, but no cut.

Yasusada!

[AH, THE RARE SCOLDING TONE... He sure does not look happy at all about being lied to about the injury, in any case. He's more upset about that than not being told about Yamato's newfound ability...

He'll reach out for the arm that's shown to him, in any case, lifting it up to stare at it with GREAT SCRUTINY just in case there is some sort of scar. ...But he should know that there wouldn't be, right? Geez.]

...Tell me about these things when they happen to you, okay? I don't care if it's not a problem after, I still wanna know if you ever get hurt.

[HUFFS... PUFFS. Sulks, honestly.]

Well I was fine in the end! It was more important to warn you about attackers!

[Which is a valid point?! But he's kinda-sorta wincing in that way that means he knows he did a bad... he'll even take Kashuu's hand once he's done inspecting the non!injury, giving it an apologetic squeeze.] I'm sorry. I just figured it wasn't a big deal when you had so much going on already.

[Which isn't something he'd normally admit, and honestly, he can't quite meet Kashuu's eyes as he says it, embarrassed. In truth, though, he's still quietly convinced it was the right thing to do--he'd do it again, and probably will, in the future. For now, though, he just can't handle the look on Kashuu's face, even if his pouting is far more familiar than his earlier distress.]

That's the only thing so far, though. That I know of, anyway.

Yasusada, don't look away from me.

[Don't avoid looking at him, punk!! Damn. He squeezes Yamato's hands a little in return, but he still feels pretty unsettled by this happening without his having any clue at all.]

I don't want to find out you got seriously hurt someday or something worse, but you didn't tell me because of whatever.

[Knowledge is important for preparation. Being prepared is becoming increasingly important in this city. He really can't tolerate the idea of Yamato being hurt because of a lack of foresight or preparation on his own part that could have been prevented if Yamato just told him about these things in advance.

...

Though he supposes this is a two-way street, huh.]

—I'll tell you what goes on with me if you tell me what's going on with you, okay? Is that a deal?

[It's funny, really, the way that tone makes him want to instantly obey, eyes flicking guiltily back to Kashuu's face.

When did their relationship turn into this? It wasn't like this when they were kids, that's for sure, back when Yamato happily dragged him home off the streets, his cheer impervious to Kashuu's glares or complaints. Somewhere along the line, things had shifted--and maybe Kashuu's just a natural leader, but now, it's much harder for Yamato to go against his wishes, when they sound like orders.

The suggestion Kashuu follows it up with, though, isn't one he'd expected, and he blinks, visibly surprised. Surely Kashuu realizes what that entails, doesn't he? Yamato pushes far too much as it is, they both know that, but it comes from a place of love, his concern for his closest friend outweighing his respect for boundaries. If Kashuu's offering to be open all on his own...

Well, of course there's no way he'd say no to that.

He nods, but stops abruptly, cutting himself off in favor of lifting up one pinky.]

I promise.

[When he reaches out to lock pinkies with Yamato, it's an automatic sort of gesture without hesitation.]

Promise.

[And one shake for good measure.

...Though he does give Yamato a mildly critical look after that.]

So that's it? There's nothing else you wanna tell me?

[No extra limbs or the ability to scale walls or blast laser beams out of his eyes?? On a scale of 0 to weird as hell, he supposes instantaneous healing is both not that weird and pretty damn useful. ...Or it would be if it wasn't given to Yamato, who'll probably take it as a green light to go do a bunch of dangerous shit that he wouldn't otherwise be able to if he had to worry about normal human healing.

His faith, it's so low.]

Yes, as far as I-- oh, well, I had another one of those vision things around the same time, but it was... [A vague gesture that's supposed to mean "kind of the same as the others" but also "I'm not sure I could explain it even if I tried" all at once. Somehow. VERY CLEAR, YAMS.

He's apparently not going to explain more than that, though, because Kashuu's lack of faith comes from the fact that Yamato is Yamato.]

Hey, should we test it out? I wonder how far it goes before it doesn't work anymore... [stop him]

[FORTUNATELY FOR HIM since Kashuu doesn't want to share his either, he doesn't bother pressing... If he asks about Yamato, Yamato might ask about him, okay. He just FOOLISHLY ASSUMES that if it's something important or really troubling, Yamato would tell him anyway...

Instead, he'll focus on that second part because really what the heck.]

Um, no? No. Don't even think about it! That's not the kinda thing you just casually test out, you idiot!

[What a trusting fool...]

But how else are we supposed to know how it works? [brb jumping off the roof]

[That makes two of them.]

You don't! These are the kinda things you just figure out accidentally or remember, you don't go outta your way to learn more if it means throwing yourself off a roof or sticking your finger in a blender or something.

[WHO WOULD DO THAT THOUGH.]

["Who would do that" A MYSTERY...]

I wouldn't go that far! [lies] But if I do end up getting hurt somehow-- if, okay, just if, it would be better to know what I don't need to worry about, and what I still need to go to the hospital for.

[Just casually assumes he's gonna end up in the hospital again at some point?? But to be fair, even now he goes a little too hard in kendo, so he's probably not incorrect.]

[Yeah he just REACHES OVER AND SMACKS THE BACK OF YAMATO'S HEAD.]

You're doing this on purpose now!

[Giving him small heart attacks, he means but doesn't clarify...]

Ow!

[WHY DOESN'T HE DODGE but he doesn't, just rubs his head and frowns.]

I'm serious though! With the way things are going, who knows what's going to happen? [When are they going to get attacked by ladybugs again?? THESE ARE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS. He quiets down a little, then, and although his expression hasn't changed, there's something more serious in his demeanor.]

If we both got hurt... I don't want to think about it, but if we did, then I want to know how much I could deal with, so that I could get you help, you know? The less I have to worry about my own injuries, the quicker I could get us to a hospital or something. I'm not going to go jump in a busy street or anything, but... unless you can do this too, then I'm going to worry about your safety more than my own. I'm sorry, but I can't change that.

[As if he's ever put his own safety above Kashuu's in the first place. But it's true that, as unbelievable as it may sound, Yamato's far less reckless than he could be, especially as he gets older and continues to mellow out. He gets his exercise and discipline in kendo, but even in their school days, he'd made sure not to put himself in danger in a way that would jeopardize Kashuu's safety, too. Fighting assholes side-by-side isn't glamorous enough to die for.]

[It's because he spoils Kashuu even in stupid ways like this, that's why...

That said, his own demeanor shifts a little, in tune with Yamato in the best and worst ways. It's not like he doesn't understand where this is coming from. This is the way things have always been. ...It's just that they can't really be like that anymore. As much as he likes to turn away from the reality of their situation in Recolle, there are some things he can't turn a blind eye to.

And he said he'd start being more honest, anyway.]

...You don't have to worry about me.

[His sentence ends on a little puff of a breath that might be a laugh. There might also be something a little reluctant or self-deprecating in it; it's not entirely pleasant.]

I could probably handle more than you these days.

[It's hard to say if their lives would be better or worse, were they not so sensitive to each other's subtle tones and moods. But the fact is that they are, and that's true now, too--Yamato hears that laugh, and he tilts his head, gray eyes cautiously curious.]

Why do you say that?

[After a quiet second of looking at his hands, possibly (or definitely) wondering if it's too late to weasel his way out of this one, he'll finally speak up in a tone that's a little too measured.]

It takes longer for me to get tired. And y'know Grell? I went over and lifted up some of her furniture and it was easy. Like, two people should be lifting this kinda easy. I dunno if it's the same as you, but little cuts and things like that'll be totally gone in a day tops. Ever since I got that stupid sword, things have been changing. I've been changing.

[He's clearly been sitting on QUITE A FEW THINGS...]

[It's a good thing Kashuu isn't looking at him, because there are a lot of different emotions that cross Yamato's face in a very short amount of time. Hurt (because just how long has Kashuu been keeping quiet about all of this?), shame (how could he have not noticed?), hope (if Kashuu is getting stronger like this, then doesn't that mean...), and finally, sympathy--because no matter how he feels about the rest of it, it's clear Kashuu's been suffering on his own for a while. And that takes precedence over everything else.

He'd reach for Kashuu's hand again, but somehow, that doesn't seem like enough. How can he convey how much he cares with a light, simple touch like that? It seems only natural to scoot over and wrap his arms loosely around his friend, resting his head gently against Kashuu's.

He does not say "I wish you wouldn't try to solve all your problems by yourself." He definitely doesn't say "Look, I'm telling you, Retrospec is trying to prepare you for when you have to use that sword." And he absolutely does not say "Why didn't you tell me?"

He already knows what Kashuu would say in response to each and every one, and it's nothing he would want to hear. It hurts to choke those words back down, but he does it anyway, swallowing hard as if to make sure they won't escape his mouth.

What he does say, after a minute, is a quiet--] Kiyomitsu is Kiyomitsu.

[Regardless of what his body is doing, to Yamato, that hasn't changed. And right now, he fully believes that no matter what happens, he'll never stop looking at Kashuu and seeing the same person he's always known. Someone he won't, can't, cast aside. Not for anything.]

[It's the way he's been for as long as he can remember, really. Burdening others with his problems isn't really his thing, and it makes him feel too vulnerable anyway - something that he absolutely hates, even if the person seeing those soft spots is Yamato.

That doesn't mean it gets easier with time, though, and there might be something a little familiar in the way he hesitantly allows himself to fold into Yamato's arms. When they had first met years and years and years ago, he'd always been reluctant and tetchy, very much like a stray cat. He'd allowed Yamato to drag him around, but he'd often keep a wary eye out, like he was always a hair away from fleeing the second something spooked him. The same nervous air is present as he gently bonks the side of his head against Yamato's, trying to feel less overwhelmed by the pure simplicity of that heartfelt statement.

Kiyomitsu is Kiyomitsu, huh...

He's not entirely sure he believes that anymore, but it's still comforting to hear, in a way.]

...M'not sure about that. [Is what the eventually says, surprisingly honest and open for him. It's a quiet statement that he mumbles into the fluff of Yamato's hair, and he seems to quickly regret it based on how quickly he follows it up with something a little more palatable and lighthearted.]

You're still gonna have to deal with me, though.

You don't have to be sure. [He'll be sure enough for both of them. He's always had more faith in Kashuu than Kashuu has in himself, even if those attitudes manifest in very different ways. Kashuu is tense, but Yamato holds him tight anyway, almost like he's trying to squeeze all the insecurities out of his body.

Kashuu's blatant redirections bother him even more than he lets on, honestly. Soujirou had pointed out that he can't force Kashuu to face anything, just like Kashuu can't avoid everything, but it worries him enough to justify ignoring that logic, as far as he's concerned. This time, though--maybe because of the doubt and honesty Kashuu's tentatively showing him now, he just smiles and gently pinches Kashuu's shoulder.]

Of course, who else would put up with you as much as I do? You'd be washing your own dishes if not for me, you know.

[There's something reassuring in that, even if he can't exactly put his finger on why it's reassuring. To know that even if he doesn't have faith in himself or who he is or what he might become, someone else does... It's a little overwhelming.

Or it would be, if he let himself dwell on it too much, but that's not his style of dwelling. He gently jabs Yamato in the ribs like a punk...]

You say that like I've never washed a dish in my life.

[He says, and yet doesn't at all offer to split the burden of their daily dish load. OKAY, KASHUU.

Apparently he's feeling a little more honest - or at least a little more open - than usual, though. Instead of completely blasting away from the more serious topic at hand, he actually loops back around to it for once, even if he doesn't actually look at Yamato while he talks.]

D'you remember when you were a total embarrassment and said you thought we've been by each other's sides for a long time or whatever?

Well...

[HAVE YOU, THOUGH. HAVE YOU, KASHUU.

But if Kashuu genuinely wants to talk about things for once, he's certainly not going to veer off-topic. So he doesn't start up a slappy-hands fight or continue to tease Kashuu about his lack of household assistance; instead, he quiets back down right away, nodding just enough so as not to jostle him.]

Yeah, why?

[STOP DON'T JUDGE HIM!!!!

But anyway, there are a lot of things he wants to say but just isn't equipped to actually, you know. Say. Getting this far is already a step in the right direction, but he's always a little bit lost when it comes to his most tender moments of honesty, not really knowing where to guide the conversation for once.

His voice is softer and quieter than usual when he speaks again. Yamato is pretty much the only person he'd allow to see him without his usual boldness and confidence; he's seen him at worse points, after all.]

I've been remembering more stuff, lately. [Good and bad. ...Mostly bad in the very recent term, but not bad enough to really disrupt his day-to-day living.

Still.]

I think they're easier to deal with 'cause you're almost always there.

[A roundabout way of expressing gratitude and thanks and relief all at once.]

Kiyomitsu...

[Yamato knows what Kashuu's like--what he's always been like. Even if they're fundamentally different when it comes to things like this, he knows how difficult this must be for Kashuu, how badly all of this must be affecting him to spur him into this sort of mood. There's so much meaning in such simple words, and not for the first time, he remembers Soujirou's gentle insistence that Kashuu's always cared far more than he lets on.

"He had you to come back to." At the time, it had simply felt like empty reassurances. But now, hearing such honest words in such a small voice... he wonders if Soujirou hadn't been right, after all.

It's not something he's going to ask. Not right now, anyway. They may be discussing memories, but it's not the same thing as the real past, and he doubts Kashuu would stay long if they brought that up. And right now, more than anything, he wants Kashuu to stay. He doesn't like seeing Kashuu so uncertain and vulnerable, but he'd much rather be the one to support him when he's feeling this way, rather than the one to rouse his ire and make him clam up all over again.

So even though he's staring at Kashuu, even though he'd like nothing more than to ask the questions that have burned in his chest since the day Kashuu walked out of his life, he doesn't press. As much as he's prone to bulldozing through emotionally sensitive moments, there's something about this one that's easier to read--and he's gentle as he takes Kashuu's hands, holding them firmly, but not desperately tight.]

I always will be. [It's an impossible promise, of course. Yamato isn't really an idealist; he's not exactly prone to passionate declarations about hope and friendship. But he does make a habit of only saying things he honestly believes to be true. If he's adamant about staying by Kashuu's side, then that's just where he's always going to be, and nothing--not Retrospec, not arguments, not even life-threatening terrors--will be enough to keep him away. For better or for worse, he means what he says.] So don't be afraid, okay? You don't have to handle these things alone.

[He's not naive enough to expect Kashuu to be ridiculously open from now on. But it's alright. For now, this is enough. As long as he understands he's not alone, it's enough.]

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