okitactless | IC inbox; recolle

[When he reaches out to lock pinkies with Yamato, it's an automatic sort of gesture without hesitation.]

Promise.

[And one shake for good measure.

...Though he does give Yamato a mildly critical look after that.]

So that's it? There's nothing else you wanna tell me?

[No extra limbs or the ability to scale walls or blast laser beams out of his eyes?? On a scale of 0 to weird as hell, he supposes instantaneous healing is both not that weird and pretty damn useful. ...Or it would be if it wasn't given to Yamato, who'll probably take it as a green light to go do a bunch of dangerous shit that he wouldn't otherwise be able to if he had to worry about normal human healing.

His faith, it's so low.]

Yes, as far as I-- oh, well, I had another one of those vision things around the same time, but it was... [A vague gesture that's supposed to mean "kind of the same as the others" but also "I'm not sure I could explain it even if I tried" all at once. Somehow. VERY CLEAR, YAMS.

He's apparently not going to explain more than that, though, because Kashuu's lack of faith comes from the fact that Yamato is Yamato.]

Hey, should we test it out? I wonder how far it goes before it doesn't work anymore... [stop him]

[FORTUNATELY FOR HIM since Kashuu doesn't want to share his either, he doesn't bother pressing... If he asks about Yamato, Yamato might ask about him, okay. He just FOOLISHLY ASSUMES that if it's something important or really troubling, Yamato would tell him anyway...

Instead, he'll focus on that second part because really what the heck.]

Um, no? No. Don't even think about it! That's not the kinda thing you just casually test out, you idiot!

[What a trusting fool...]

But how else are we supposed to know how it works? [brb jumping off the roof]

[That makes two of them.]

You don't! These are the kinda things you just figure out accidentally or remember, you don't go outta your way to learn more if it means throwing yourself off a roof or sticking your finger in a blender or something.

[WHO WOULD DO THAT THOUGH.]

["Who would do that" A MYSTERY...]

I wouldn't go that far! [lies] But if I do end up getting hurt somehow-- if, okay, just if, it would be better to know what I don't need to worry about, and what I still need to go to the hospital for.

[Just casually assumes he's gonna end up in the hospital again at some point?? But to be fair, even now he goes a little too hard in kendo, so he's probably not incorrect.]

[Yeah he just REACHES OVER AND SMACKS THE BACK OF YAMATO'S HEAD.]

You're doing this on purpose now!

[Giving him small heart attacks, he means but doesn't clarify...]

Ow!

[WHY DOESN'T HE DODGE but he doesn't, just rubs his head and frowns.]

I'm serious though! With the way things are going, who knows what's going to happen? [When are they going to get attacked by ladybugs again?? THESE ARE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS. He quiets down a little, then, and although his expression hasn't changed, there's something more serious in his demeanor.]

If we both got hurt... I don't want to think about it, but if we did, then I want to know how much I could deal with, so that I could get you help, you know? The less I have to worry about my own injuries, the quicker I could get us to a hospital or something. I'm not going to go jump in a busy street or anything, but... unless you can do this too, then I'm going to worry about your safety more than my own. I'm sorry, but I can't change that.

[As if he's ever put his own safety above Kashuu's in the first place. But it's true that, as unbelievable as it may sound, Yamato's far less reckless than he could be, especially as he gets older and continues to mellow out. He gets his exercise and discipline in kendo, but even in their school days, he'd made sure not to put himself in danger in a way that would jeopardize Kashuu's safety, too. Fighting assholes side-by-side isn't glamorous enough to die for.]

[It's because he spoils Kashuu even in stupid ways like this, that's why...

That said, his own demeanor shifts a little, in tune with Yamato in the best and worst ways. It's not like he doesn't understand where this is coming from. This is the way things have always been. ...It's just that they can't really be like that anymore. As much as he likes to turn away from the reality of their situation in Recolle, there are some things he can't turn a blind eye to.

And he said he'd start being more honest, anyway.]

...You don't have to worry about me.

[His sentence ends on a little puff of a breath that might be a laugh. There might also be something a little reluctant or self-deprecating in it; it's not entirely pleasant.]

I could probably handle more than you these days.

[It's hard to say if their lives would be better or worse, were they not so sensitive to each other's subtle tones and moods. But the fact is that they are, and that's true now, too--Yamato hears that laugh, and he tilts his head, gray eyes cautiously curious.]

Why do you say that?

[After a quiet second of looking at his hands, possibly (or definitely) wondering if it's too late to weasel his way out of this one, he'll finally speak up in a tone that's a little too measured.]

It takes longer for me to get tired. And y'know Grell? I went over and lifted up some of her furniture and it was easy. Like, two people should be lifting this kinda easy. I dunno if it's the same as you, but little cuts and things like that'll be totally gone in a day tops. Ever since I got that stupid sword, things have been changing. I've been changing.

[He's clearly been sitting on QUITE A FEW THINGS...]

[It's a good thing Kashuu isn't looking at him, because there are a lot of different emotions that cross Yamato's face in a very short amount of time. Hurt (because just how long has Kashuu been keeping quiet about all of this?), shame (how could he have not noticed?), hope (if Kashuu is getting stronger like this, then doesn't that mean...), and finally, sympathy--because no matter how he feels about the rest of it, it's clear Kashuu's been suffering on his own for a while. And that takes precedence over everything else.

He'd reach for Kashuu's hand again, but somehow, that doesn't seem like enough. How can he convey how much he cares with a light, simple touch like that? It seems only natural to scoot over and wrap his arms loosely around his friend, resting his head gently against Kashuu's.

He does not say "I wish you wouldn't try to solve all your problems by yourself." He definitely doesn't say "Look, I'm telling you, Retrospec is trying to prepare you for when you have to use that sword." And he absolutely does not say "Why didn't you tell me?"

He already knows what Kashuu would say in response to each and every one, and it's nothing he would want to hear. It hurts to choke those words back down, but he does it anyway, swallowing hard as if to make sure they won't escape his mouth.

What he does say, after a minute, is a quiet--] Kiyomitsu is Kiyomitsu.

[Regardless of what his body is doing, to Yamato, that hasn't changed. And right now, he fully believes that no matter what happens, he'll never stop looking at Kashuu and seeing the same person he's always known. Someone he won't, can't, cast aside. Not for anything.]

[It's the way he's been for as long as he can remember, really. Burdening others with his problems isn't really his thing, and it makes him feel too vulnerable anyway - something that he absolutely hates, even if the person seeing those soft spots is Yamato.

That doesn't mean it gets easier with time, though, and there might be something a little familiar in the way he hesitantly allows himself to fold into Yamato's arms. When they had first met years and years and years ago, he'd always been reluctant and tetchy, very much like a stray cat. He'd allowed Yamato to drag him around, but he'd often keep a wary eye out, like he was always a hair away from fleeing the second something spooked him. The same nervous air is present as he gently bonks the side of his head against Yamato's, trying to feel less overwhelmed by the pure simplicity of that heartfelt statement.

Kiyomitsu is Kiyomitsu, huh...

He's not entirely sure he believes that anymore, but it's still comforting to hear, in a way.]

...M'not sure about that. [Is what the eventually says, surprisingly honest and open for him. It's a quiet statement that he mumbles into the fluff of Yamato's hair, and he seems to quickly regret it based on how quickly he follows it up with something a little more palatable and lighthearted.]

You're still gonna have to deal with me, though.

You don't have to be sure. [He'll be sure enough for both of them. He's always had more faith in Kashuu than Kashuu has in himself, even if those attitudes manifest in very different ways. Kashuu is tense, but Yamato holds him tight anyway, almost like he's trying to squeeze all the insecurities out of his body.

Kashuu's blatant redirections bother him even more than he lets on, honestly. Soujirou had pointed out that he can't force Kashuu to face anything, just like Kashuu can't avoid everything, but it worries him enough to justify ignoring that logic, as far as he's concerned. This time, though--maybe because of the doubt and honesty Kashuu's tentatively showing him now, he just smiles and gently pinches Kashuu's shoulder.]

Of course, who else would put up with you as much as I do? You'd be washing your own dishes if not for me, you know.

[There's something reassuring in that, even if he can't exactly put his finger on why it's reassuring. To know that even if he doesn't have faith in himself or who he is or what he might become, someone else does... It's a little overwhelming.

Or it would be, if he let himself dwell on it too much, but that's not his style of dwelling. He gently jabs Yamato in the ribs like a punk...]

You say that like I've never washed a dish in my life.

[He says, and yet doesn't at all offer to split the burden of their daily dish load. OKAY, KASHUU.

Apparently he's feeling a little more honest - or at least a little more open - than usual, though. Instead of completely blasting away from the more serious topic at hand, he actually loops back around to it for once, even if he doesn't actually look at Yamato while he talks.]

D'you remember when you were a total embarrassment and said you thought we've been by each other's sides for a long time or whatever?

Well...

[HAVE YOU, THOUGH. HAVE YOU, KASHUU.

But if Kashuu genuinely wants to talk about things for once, he's certainly not going to veer off-topic. So he doesn't start up a slappy-hands fight or continue to tease Kashuu about his lack of household assistance; instead, he quiets back down right away, nodding just enough so as not to jostle him.]

Yeah, why?

[STOP DON'T JUDGE HIM!!!!

But anyway, there are a lot of things he wants to say but just isn't equipped to actually, you know. Say. Getting this far is already a step in the right direction, but he's always a little bit lost when it comes to his most tender moments of honesty, not really knowing where to guide the conversation for once.

His voice is softer and quieter than usual when he speaks again. Yamato is pretty much the only person he'd allow to see him without his usual boldness and confidence; he's seen him at worse points, after all.]

I've been remembering more stuff, lately. [Good and bad. ...Mostly bad in the very recent term, but not bad enough to really disrupt his day-to-day living.

Still.]

I think they're easier to deal with 'cause you're almost always there.

[A roundabout way of expressing gratitude and thanks and relief all at once.]

Kiyomitsu...

[Yamato knows what Kashuu's like--what he's always been like. Even if they're fundamentally different when it comes to things like this, he knows how difficult this must be for Kashuu, how badly all of this must be affecting him to spur him into this sort of mood. There's so much meaning in such simple words, and not for the first time, he remembers Soujirou's gentle insistence that Kashuu's always cared far more than he lets on.

"He had you to come back to." At the time, it had simply felt like empty reassurances. But now, hearing such honest words in such a small voice... he wonders if Soujirou hadn't been right, after all.

It's not something he's going to ask. Not right now, anyway. They may be discussing memories, but it's not the same thing as the real past, and he doubts Kashuu would stay long if they brought that up. And right now, more than anything, he wants Kashuu to stay. He doesn't like seeing Kashuu so uncertain and vulnerable, but he'd much rather be the one to support him when he's feeling this way, rather than the one to rouse his ire and make him clam up all over again.

So even though he's staring at Kashuu, even though he'd like nothing more than to ask the questions that have burned in his chest since the day Kashuu walked out of his life, he doesn't press. As much as he's prone to bulldozing through emotionally sensitive moments, there's something about this one that's easier to read--and he's gentle as he takes Kashuu's hands, holding them firmly, but not desperately tight.]

I always will be. [It's an impossible promise, of course. Yamato isn't really an idealist; he's not exactly prone to passionate declarations about hope and friendship. But he does make a habit of only saying things he honestly believes to be true. If he's adamant about staying by Kashuu's side, then that's just where he's always going to be, and nothing--not Retrospec, not arguments, not even life-threatening terrors--will be enough to keep him away. For better or for worse, he means what he says.] So don't be afraid, okay? You don't have to handle these things alone.

[He's not naive enough to expect Kashuu to be ridiculously open from now on. But it's alright. For now, this is enough. As long as he understands he's not alone, it's enough.]

[Maybe it's because he knows Yamato only says what he believes to be true that he can bite his tongue here, bite back all of the pessimistic sentiment that acknowledges what an unrealistic promise it is. Yamato can't promise to always be by his side any more than Kashuu can promise that he won't leave again, but when he says it like that, it's not difficult to imagine him turning the whole world upside down to make it true.

Don't be afraid, he says, and Kashuu feels some knots in his complex bundle of anxiety loosen. It's really not fair at all, how the right words from this mess of a person can make him feel like things will be okay even at their most strained.

Maybe it's a little bit of huffiness that drives him forward at first, then - the childish desire to cuff Yamato upside the head for being so blunt and embarrassing as usual. But the moment is too tender for him to really get up the speed or energy, so he just ends up leaning in until their foreheads are touching, instead. A teeny, tiny bonk. And then he lets his rest there for a second, eyes closed, just feeling the absolute certainty of Yamato's presence.

This idiot's been by his side for a long time. He's almost entirely sure of it now. He doesn't have the right words to properly thank him for it - he's not exactly an easy person to get along with or be around - but for now, that doesn't seem to matter much.]

...I know.

[That he isn't alone, that Yamato will do his best to stay by his side, that he has no reason to be afraid.

That doesn't mean he won't be, of course. That doesn't guarantee he'll never be alone or unable to reach Yamato, either, but... It's more reassurance than he's had in a long time. He pulls back a little.]

You too, okay? I'll chase away anything that makes you sad.

[Night terrors or bloody memories or any other tangible or semi-tangible thing that he can get his hands on. The desire to protect doesn't feel entirely natural, but it wells up in his chest like he's been protecting things his whole life, anyway.]

Mm.

[Yamato's always been the one that stayed. With Kashuu, with his teacher, with countless other friends and even his own father--the situations may differ, but in the end, it's all the same. He's always been there, waiting, as if he could out-stubborn the passage of time. If you cling to the present hard enough, maybe it won't become the past, he'd thought once; now, it's all he can do to hope for scraps of memory. The fact that he's gotten anything more than that... it's more than he'd come to expect, after a while.

Especially with Kashuu. It hasn't been that long since Kashuu stepped back into his life, making him realize he'd been waiting for that very moment all along. The hurt is still potent, and the fear, even moreso-- the fear that one of these days, he really will push too hard, and drive his closest friend away again. It's why he's been far more careful than he ever used to be, and while he'd told Soujirou he couldn't live his life walking on eggshells, he knows it's more for his own benefit than Kashuu's. If he's careful, if Kashuu can at least see that he's trying... then maybe that would be enough to keep him close. Or so he'd thought.

But now, strangely enough, that fear is conspicuously absent. Sitting here, wrapped in the quiet of a gray morning, Yamato finds himself looking at Kashuu and trusting, for maybe the first time, that he won't leave again. Not for good. Yamato's not an idealist, nor is he oblivious to Kashuu's sensitivity--he's still not convinced that one too many missteps won't send him back across the sea. But the lingering fear of being left behind again, for good, is gone from his heart. Something in his words makes it easy to believe that right now, Kashuu's right where he wants to be, with no intention of going anywhere.]

Thank you. [But-- no, that's not enough. It's always so difficult to express himself when he's actually trying to think about it; nothing ever seems to convey what he's feeling once it's out in the air. How is he supposed to explain how happy it makes him, the idea that they've shared more than one lifetime? It's a sense of content, something that says "this is how it should be" and "I always want it to be this way". How is he supposed to tell Kashuu that when he hears those words, he can't help but think of the look on Kashuu's face in that alleyway-- that when he thinks of that fierce glint, it doesn't frighten him, but comfort him?]

Kiyomitsu, I--

[--But the world doesn't seem inclined to let him sort his words out, apparently.

A cheerful beep from his computer makes him jump, dragging his attention away just long enough for one very important thing to become apparent.]

...What happened to the sky?!

[Sorry Kashuu, but Yamato's pushing you over so he can crawl over to the window, shoving the curtains aside. He'd gotten so distracted by their conversation that he'd failed to notice the very thing that sent Kashuu barging in here in the first place...]

Hey—!

[Ah, there he goes, SHOVED RUDELY TO THE SIDE. And there goes their sparkly morning shoujo moment, ruined by technology... And also the fact that Retrospec's apparently leveled up in villainy enough to steal literal colors from the world around them.]

...Yeah, that happened.

[Good work, Kashuu.

He sits back a little after righting himself, since he's not particularly wanting to get bowled over a second time if Yamato decides to bounce away to look out the front door or something.]

It's the trees, too.

[RIP IN PIECES SHOUJO MOMENT, you were too pure for these morons...

Yamato doesn't nyoom off to go look out the front door, but he does scoot over to push his curtains all the way open, pressing his face against the glass to look as hard as he can.]

That doesn't even make sense! How is this possible?!

The same way it was somehow possible for them to make everyone super tiny?

[He says this with the air of a verbal shrug because HE HAS NO IDEA ACTUALLY and he doubts he ever will... Changing eye colors is one thing but removing colors entirely from THE WORLD ITSELF is a little too next-level for him.]

It'll probably just be like this for a week or whatever, though...

[FOOLISH KASHUU.]

But the sky...

[HELP HIM... he's so sad?? This is way more tragic than his eyes, what the heck. NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIS EYES except Kashuu apparently BUT THE SKY IS IMPORTANT]

It doesn't even look like a cloudy day... this is the worst.

IC inbox; recolle

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1/2 bc I hate myself I guess

2

why are you this way!!!!

AHHHH ur influence probably

why are u so slanderous

I need something to focus on besides these morons

IS THAT REALLY HELPING

no

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