Yamato no Kami Yasusada (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
okitactless) wrote2017-01-25 07:26 pm
okitactless) wrote2017-01-25 07:26 pmIC inbox; recolle
Yasusada
I'd rather be doing kendo
VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION
okitactless) wrote2017-01-25 07:26 pm
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Or it would be, if he let himself dwell on it too much, but that's not his style of dwelling. He gently jabs Yamato in the ribs like a punk...]
You say that like I've never washed a dish in my life.
[He says, and yet doesn't at all offer to split the burden of their daily dish load. OKAY, KASHUU.
Apparently he's feeling a little more honest - or at least a little more open - than usual, though. Instead of completely blasting away from the more serious topic at hand, he actually loops back around to it for once, even if he doesn't actually look at Yamato while he talks.]
D'you remember when you were a total embarrassment and said you thought we've been by each other's sides for a long time or whatever?
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[HAVE YOU, THOUGH. HAVE YOU, KASHUU.
But if Kashuu genuinely wants to talk about things for once, he's certainly not going to veer off-topic. So he doesn't start up a slappy-hands fight or continue to tease Kashuu about his lack of household assistance; instead, he quiets back down right away, nodding just enough so as not to jostle him.]
Yeah, why?
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But anyway, there are a lot of things he wants to say but just isn't equipped to actually, you know. Say. Getting this far is already a step in the right direction, but he's always a little bit lost when it comes to his most tender moments of honesty, not really knowing where to guide the conversation for once.
His voice is softer and quieter than usual when he speaks again. Yamato is pretty much the only person he'd allow to see him without his usual boldness and confidence; he's seen him at worse points, after all.]
I've been remembering more stuff, lately. [Good and bad. ...Mostly bad in the very recent term, but not bad enough to really disrupt his day-to-day living.
Still.]
I think they're easier to deal with 'cause you're almost always there.
[A roundabout way of expressing gratitude and thanks and relief all at once.]
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[Yamato knows what Kashuu's like--what he's always been like. Even if they're fundamentally different when it comes to things like this, he knows how difficult this must be for Kashuu, how badly all of this must be affecting him to spur him into this sort of mood. There's so much meaning in such simple words, and not for the first time, he remembers Soujirou's gentle insistence that Kashuu's always cared far more than he lets on.
"He had you to come back to." At the time, it had simply felt like empty reassurances. But now, hearing such honest words in such a small voice... he wonders if Soujirou hadn't been right, after all.
It's not something he's going to ask. Not right now, anyway. They may be discussing memories, but it's not the same thing as the real past, and he doubts Kashuu would stay long if they brought that up. And right now, more than anything, he wants Kashuu to stay. He doesn't like seeing Kashuu so uncertain and vulnerable, but he'd much rather be the one to support him when he's feeling this way, rather than the one to rouse his ire and make him clam up all over again.
So even though he's staring at Kashuu, even though he'd like nothing more than to ask the questions that have burned in his chest since the day Kashuu walked out of his life, he doesn't press. As much as he's prone to bulldozing through emotionally sensitive moments, there's something about this one that's easier to read--and he's gentle as he takes Kashuu's hands, holding them firmly, but not desperately tight.]
I always will be. [It's an impossible promise, of course. Yamato isn't really an idealist; he's not exactly prone to passionate declarations about hope and friendship. But he does make a habit of only saying things he honestly believes to be true. If he's adamant about staying by Kashuu's side, then that's just where he's always going to be, and nothing--not Retrospec, not arguments, not even life-threatening terrors--will be enough to keep him away. For better or for worse, he means what he says.] So don't be afraid, okay? You don't have to handle these things alone.
[He's not naive enough to expect Kashuu to be ridiculously open from now on. But it's alright. For now, this is enough. As long as he understands he's not alone, it's enough.]
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Don't be afraid, he says, and Kashuu feels some knots in his complex bundle of anxiety loosen. It's really not fair at all, how the right words from this mess of a person can make him feel like things will be okay even at their most strained.
Maybe it's a little bit of huffiness that drives him forward at first, then - the childish desire to cuff Yamato upside the head for being so blunt and embarrassing as usual. But the moment is too tender for him to really get up the speed or energy, so he just ends up leaning in until their foreheads are touching, instead. A teeny, tiny bonk. And then he lets his rest there for a second, eyes closed, just feeling the absolute certainty of Yamato's presence.
This idiot's been by his side for a long time. He's almost entirely sure of it now. He doesn't have the right words to properly thank him for it - he's not exactly an easy person to get along with or be around - but for now, that doesn't seem to matter much.]
...I know.
[That he isn't alone, that Yamato will do his best to stay by his side, that he has no reason to be afraid.
That doesn't mean he won't be, of course. That doesn't guarantee he'll never be alone or unable to reach Yamato, either, but... It's more reassurance than he's had in a long time. He pulls back a little.]
You too, okay? I'll chase away anything that makes you sad.
[Night terrors or bloody memories or any other tangible or semi-tangible thing that he can get his hands on. The desire to protect doesn't feel entirely natural, but it wells up in his chest like he's been protecting things his whole life, anyway.]
1/2 bc I hate myself I guess
[Yamato's always been the one that stayed. With Kashuu, with his teacher, with countless other friends and even his own father--the situations may differ, but in the end, it's all the same. He's always been there, waiting, as if he could out-stubborn the passage of time. If you cling to the present hard enough, maybe it won't become the past, he'd thought once; now, it's all he can do to hope for scraps of memory. The fact that he's gotten anything more than that... it's more than he'd come to expect, after a while.
Especially with Kashuu. It hasn't been that long since Kashuu stepped back into his life, making him realize he'd been waiting for that very moment all along. The hurt is still potent, and the fear, even moreso-- the fear that one of these days, he really will push too hard, and drive his closest friend away again. It's why he's been far more careful than he ever used to be, and while he'd told Soujirou he couldn't live his life walking on eggshells, he knows it's more for his own benefit than Kashuu's. If he's careful, if Kashuu can at least see that he's trying... then maybe that would be enough to keep him close. Or so he'd thought.
But now, strangely enough, that fear is conspicuously absent. Sitting here, wrapped in the quiet of a gray morning, Yamato finds himself looking at Kashuu and trusting, for maybe the first time, that he won't leave again. Not for good. Yamato's not an idealist, nor is he oblivious to Kashuu's sensitivity--he's still not convinced that one too many missteps won't send him back across the sea. But the lingering fear of being left behind again, for good, is gone from his heart. Something in his words makes it easy to believe that right now, Kashuu's right where he wants to be, with no intention of going anywhere.]
Thank you. [But-- no, that's not enough. It's always so difficult to express himself when he's actually trying to think about it; nothing ever seems to convey what he's feeling once it's out in the air. How is he supposed to explain how happy it makes him, the idea that they've shared more than one lifetime? It's a sense of content, something that says "this is how it should be" and "I always want it to be this way". How is he supposed to tell Kashuu that when he hears those words, he can't help but think of the look on Kashuu's face in that alleyway-- that when he thinks of that fierce glint, it doesn't frighten him, but comfort him?]
Kiyomitsu, I--
2
A cheerful beep from his computer makes him jump, dragging his attention away just long enough for one very important thing to become apparent.]
...What happened to the sky?!
[Sorry Kashuu, but Yamato's pushing you over so he can crawl over to the window, shoving the curtains aside. He'd gotten so distracted by their conversation that he'd failed to notice the very thing that sent Kashuu barging in here in the first place...]
why are you this way!!!!
[Ah, there he goes, SHOVED RUDELY TO THE SIDE. And there goes their sparkly morning shoujo moment, ruined by technology... And also the fact that Retrospec's apparently leveled up in villainy enough to steal literal colors from the world around them.]
...Yeah, that happened.
[Good work, Kashuu.
He sits back a little after righting himself, since he's not particularly wanting to get bowled over a second time if Yamato decides to bounce away to look out the front door or something.]
It's the trees, too.
AHHHH ur influence probably
Yamato doesn't nyoom off to go look out the front door, but he does scoot over to push his curtains all the way open, pressing his face against the glass to look as hard as he can.]
That doesn't even make sense! How is this possible?!
why are u so slanderous
[He says this with the air of a verbal shrug because HE HAS NO IDEA ACTUALLY and he doubts he ever will... Changing eye colors is one thing but removing colors entirely from THE WORLD ITSELF is a little too next-level for him.]
It'll probably just be like this for a week or whatever, though...
[FOOLISH KASHUU.]
I need something to focus on besides these morons
[HELP HIM... he's so sad?? This is way more tragic than his eyes, what the heck. NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIS EYES except Kashuu apparently BUT THE SKY IS IMPORTANT]
It doesn't even look like a cloudy day... this is the worst.
IS THAT REALLY HELPING
It is really spooky. Like, talk about post-apocalyptic scenery, yeah?
no
Yeah... [He sinks back, finally, rubbing his eyes one more time as if that'll help. It doesn't, of course, and his shoulders droop slightly. Even his hair looks like it's sadly deflating...]
Do you think they'll go after the other colors too?
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Who knows? [REASSURING.] But we'll find a way to deal with it like we've been dealing with everything else.
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I don't want them to change your eyes again. [It's fine if it's his own eyes, apparently, but he knows how much Kashuu freaked out the first time, and to take away the red too, once he's used to it? Replacing it with gray, of all things? That'd be even worse.]
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Anyway, he reaches out to lightly tug at Yamato's stupid fluffy hair before ruffling it once more.]
What, d'you like the red that much? I know, it really suits me.
[A far cry from back when he'd worn sunglasses for like 24 full hours... But it does feel more "normal" now. He's thought about it before, and come to the conclusion that he'd actually feel weird if his natural eye color returned.]
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[As if he knows anything about #aesthetic... but he doesn't need to understand it to know that he liked the way they'd looked together, even if he'd rarely seen it.]
Besides, they're brighter. So it's easier to tell when you're happy. [Look at that, he can be even more embarrassing]
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It wasn't hard to tell when I was happy before!
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[STOP THAT KASHUU this is like the third time you've done that in the past ten minutes??]
That's not what I meant! It's just that you have big smiles and little smiles but sometimes your eyes light up even when it's a little smile, so I can tell how you're feeling! [stop him]
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Don't just say things like that...! [UGH, UGH. He's scooting his way off the bed, bye nerd.] Anyway, even though it looks super apocalyptic outside, I still have work.
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But now that their sparkly shoujo moment is ruined beyond redemption (again??), there's nothing for it. Yamato sighs, glancing back out the window one more time before he pulls the curtain shut again.]
Alright. I'm going back to sleep. [RETROSPEC MAKES HIM TIRED.]