okitactless | IC inbox; recolle

["It's not a good feeling", he says, and Kiyomitsu drops into a discomforted sort of silence after that because he has grown used to it. He grew used to it far too easily, and even if he tells himself it's out of necessity's sake, that doesn't change much, if anything.

But he doesn't focus on that. He just hums a little - his noncommittal "not agreeing or disagreeing" sound.

And then he sighs, which is much more obviously I'm Fucking Tired.]

You're gonna have to explain this to me later, you know. I wanna hear about it all. [...] It's a miracle you're not more beat up than this, too. [......]

Are you alright? [That's a general question, but specifically:] If you had to deal with that thing from your memories, it must have been tough.

[He still remembers Yasusada's scream, the night he had that nightmare. His hand raises briefly, fingers ghosting against visible bruises.]

[If he understands what lies unspoken there, Yasusada doesn't show it. He hasn't really accepted what he is yet, hasn't had the time to really sit down and process the things he'd seen and heard in his mind. It's too much to think about right now, so he doesn't, instead reaching out to tangle their fingers together.]

I will. [And he means it; once he's clean and settled, he has no intention of doing anything but curling up with Kashuu and telling him all about what had happened when they'd been apart. As if anything could make up for that missed time.

He doesn't answer right away, but the look on his face shows that he's genuinely considering the question. Is he alright? He hasn't stopped to think about it since the battle, seeing as they'd been thrown against a dragon almost immediately after. If he wakes up in a cold sweat with an icy glow behind his eyelids and phantom claws at his throat, he won't really be that surprised.

Still, he settles for a slow nod.] A little bit, at first, but... losing wasn't an option. [He'd already had to get Jack more involved than he'd wanted to, but it couldn't be helped. If Yasusada had fallen there, leaving Jack to fight it off alone... now that, that would not be okay one bit. But he won, in the end, and that's what matters.] It might help, now. Knowing that we can win against them.

[It's good to have that reassurance, just as it's good to know that Yasusada isn't... Well, he's not exactly doing great, but he's not doing as badly as he could be, either. It's awful that "good enough" has become what he's had to settle for so often, but it's not like he can help it.

The mention of knowing that they can win against those creatures has him smiling, if only briefly.]

We have before.

[A lot of times, presumably. Lots and lots. Which brings him to--]

...I've got a lot to tell you, too.

[Not just related to the last three weeks after all, because now that they're on this track, he's remembering just how much he's pieced together (because he had to promptly set it aside to focus on the more important task at hand - getting the missing people back.)

For now, he just gives Yasusada's hand a squeeze and then stands to stop the water.

Just to try recapturing some vague sense of normalcy with a light tease:] You don't need any help with this, yeah?

[The certainty with which Kashuu says it has his head tilting with curiosity, but he doesn't press. For once, he's confident Kashuu isn't going to dodge around anything; besides, he can kind of already guess where it's coming from.

He smiles back, shooing Kashuu out of the bathroom with a wave of his hand. It takes some time to get clean, as he tries to bite back any noises of pain or discomfort, and no matter how much he wants to cling to Kashuu's side, it's a genuine struggle not to fall asleep in the gloriously warm water. He can feel the minor scrapes and cuts beginning to heal, and already, he feels better than he has in... well, in literal weeks.

Once he summons up the energy to leave the tub, it's much easier. He's still in pain, and it's going to be a thousand times worse tomorrow, but he's clean and relaxed and that's enough to have him hobbling to his room on his own strength. He doesn't bother looking as he throws on the clothes nearest to him, but he does stop to grab a brush before shuffling into Kashuu's room. He doesn't knock, but then, he never really did in the first place.]

Better? [There's quiet amusement in his tone even as he scoots over to flop onto Kashuu's bed, eager to get off of his sprained ankle.] Or do I still smell like a jungle?

[He's used to the room invasions, it's true... And it's welcome now, after three weeks of returning home to sleep at night without the sounds of Yasusada doing whatever elsewhere in the apartment, or barging in to show him stupid things on the phone, ask him weird questions, whatever else.

He'll sit up on his bed once Yasusada flops over onto it, pulling his legs up and reaching automatically for the brush that he sees in his hand.]

Hm... [Leans over and SNIFFS HIM because this is just a thing he does in all lives, apparently.] ...Nope, you're good! Turn around.

[Time to sink back into the blessed routine that he missed so much he feels he might cry about it, just a little. But he doesn't, of course.]

You wanna go first?

[WHY IS KASHUU A BLOODHOUND why you gotta be a sniffing creeper...

Except Yasusada absolutely doesn't mind; he's still reveling in how much better he feels, simply knowing that Kashuu is just a touch away. And he's not even that for long, since he's scooting over to rest his head on Kashuu's lap, apparently uncaring that he's getting his wet puppy hair all over Kashuu's clothes... some things truly never change.

He doesn't really like not being able to see Kashuu's face, even being so close together. Like he'll look up and see he'd been dreaming all along, that he'd fallen asleep on Anya or something and they're still trapped in the jungle. But it can't be helped, so he closes his eyes, sighing quietly.]

There were... twelve of us, I think. Anya was there too. We got dropped into some jungle... all the green hurt my eyes a little bit. [Since he'd gotten used to all the gray, for the most part.] We saw two little floating lights, I guess they were? Something forced us to follow them, so we split up. We found a watchtower with a radio that had the Retrospec logo on it, and some other stuff, but all of it got stolen by monkeys.

[Good lord the disdain in his voice right now?? That's right, there's finally an animal that Yasusada hates even more than cats. INCREDIBLE.]

We chased them and ended up near a waterfall, and Anya decided to try and keep chasing the monkeys... anyway, we ended up getting pushed over the waterfall. I still don't really know how we survived that one.

[And then they'd arrived a camp that seemed to be made for their arrival, which was suspicious as hell--except that Yasusada hadn't thought much of it, too busy desperately trying to make sure his vessel was undamaged.

There's more to it, but he hesitates, reluctant to continue without addressing the biggest thing on his mind.]

But before all of that, I saw another memory.

Hey—!

[YASUSADA he can't brush your hair when your head is in his lap?! Also gross, he doesn't want the remnants of bath water on him!!

...

But after like, less than five seconds, he starts finger-combing through Yasusada's hair instead. This is fine too, he supposes. Either way, he'll listen while Yasusada explains things, not really seeming too surprised by any of it. It's wild shit, but he stole pearls from an underwater seahorse racing track after growing gills and pretending to be a jockey. He feels very little can surprise him now.

There are a few hums of acknowledgment as he goes, and a frown of disapproval he can't see but probably knows is there when he mentions the waterfall. He doesn't like learning about these dangerous things after they happen... But it's better than not knowing at all.]

—Yeah? What did you see that time?

[SURE HE CAN come on Kashuu you're a beauty guru figure it out

But yes, Yasusada can feel that frown, and he's too tired to even flinch away from it. He doesn't like upsetting Kashuu, especially when it's something as uncontrollable as this, but it can't be helped. Besides, it wasn't like he jumped in on purpose.

He doesn't answer right away, and with his careful breathing, it probably looks like he's fallen asleep. But he isn't--he's sorting his thoughts out, wondering how to explain.]

Right before I got sucked into that portal... I saw you. It felt like it had been a long time... like, a really long time. [AS IN, CENTURIES.] You were telling me... that we'd been given bodies, so that we could fight a war. [He opens his eyes, but doesn't turn his head to look at Kashuu's face. He's staring absently into the distance, thinking about what the Kashuu in his memories had told him.] Kiyomitsu, I'm-- pretty sure we were these swords.

[He's quiet for another moment, then adds softly--] And I remembered... someone bringing me home, too. Not at the same time, that one came later on, but... I felt really happy about it, so it must've been him. The same person I keep seeing.

[Yasusada is staring out into the distance, and Kiyomitsu is staring down at him, but there's still a similar sort of absence in his look. It's...

Well, it's obviously not a surprise to him, for once. He'd had all the pieces he needed to put things together for so long, but he kept-- shoving it aside, trying not to look at it, trying to pretend that it wasn't a thing. And then everything went to shit and he had to deal with the harsh reality twice within as many weeks. Of the very strong probability that he'd once belonged to Soujirou in the way an object belongs to its owner. Of Baren, talking about spirit objects.

He still doesn't have the word for it - tsukumogami - but there's no real way he can keep denying what he does know.]

The Historical Retrograding Force - that's the name of the enemy we were summoned to fight. The war we were part of took place across time, since that army was made up of Historical Revisionists. They were trying to change the past.

[Some of that, he's known for a while. Other things, like the actual name of the army, are relatively new.]

...You're right, I think. No-- I'm almost sure. [A beat.] I remembered something like that too, a while ago. I just didn't really get what it meant back then, y'know? But it's like finding somewhere to belong. ...I think I know the person-- who that person was, I mean. For me, anyway. The one who picked me.

[His hands, which had stilled briefly, continue brushing through Yasusada's hair, carefully picking apart the tangles. He laughs, just a little.]

I think it might've been Soujirou. Weird, huh?

[It's when Kashuu starts speaking that Yasusada stills, taking in everything he's hearing. Now the urge to look at Kashuu is strong, but he stays where he is, unwilling to risk Kashuu pulling his fingers away. He hums quietly, a thoughtful sound of acknowledgement.

Finding somewhere to belong... yes, that's exactly what it felt like. Maybe it's something he shouldn't be admitting, but... he'd felt happier in that memory than he ever has at the dojo, even back during the golden days when all of them were together like a family. He doesn't think he's ever felt such a sense of love and devotion before--it's almost a little scary, even to him.]

Soujirou...? [He murmurs, and the curiosity wins out, urging him to turn his head and look at Kashuu's face.] Why do you say that?

[He doesn't pull his fingers away, even when Yasusada looks at him. There's a pause, for a second - a little hitch as he decides how he wants to proceed. A smile that doesn't quite fit follows, but his hands still pull through Yasusada's hair tenderly.]

He remembered the night I died, just... from another angle. Got a sword back that looked just like mine too, but broken.

[There's no way of definitely proving that it's the exact same, considering they'd both remembered different pieces of what could be the same night. But the sword had certainly been an undeniable connection, as massively discomforting as it was in about fifty different ways.]

[Ah...

His eyes soften at that, grey as they still are. It's enough to make him sit up, finally, gently extracting Kashuu's hands from his hair to hold them in his own.]

Are you okay? [It's a quiet question, one that means "I won't ask too much." But his gaze is still fixed on Kashuu's face, his stare no less intense than it's always been.]

[It's really a comfort, to hear that. After having to deal with so much on his own for so long - with the reverse being true, he's assuming, if Yasusada's immediate inclination to talk about it is anything to go by - it's nice to be able to share. Even if his answer is a predictable:]

Yeah, I'm fine.

[He's not, not really, but what can be done for it? Nothing, now. These are memories and he can't do anything for them.

What he can do is lean forward, pressing a quick kiss by one grey eye. The gates of hell are open and his affection is eternal...]

I missed seeing your stupid face like this, though.

[why]

—A-ny-way! That part's something we're still figuring out. [IE "we learned something was up and immediately decided not to talk about it".] More weird stuff happened after that, so it was kind of hard to focus on it.

[THE GATES OF HELL ARE TRULY OPEN it's gonna be like dealing with drunk Kashuu at all times now, isn't it...

But he can't even pretend to be annoyed. He smiles a little, even though the look on his face says that he clearly knows Kashuu's sidestepping, and he lifts one hand to brush against Kashuu's cheekbone, as if wiping away invisible tears.]

I missed your eyes a lot. [why is he like this: part 235 of the ongoing saga

But he does believe that too much was happening to really focus on it--that's what happened with him, after all. So with a flick to Kashuu's temple (because come on, clearly they're still up to being punks even after all of this??) he pulls his hands away, scooting back around so that Kashuu finally has proper access to his hair.]

Mm. We ended up in some kind of temple, too... and then up in a castle in the sky. [HE SOUNDS TIRED. He is tired. Why has life been like this for weeks.] The castle is where I had to fight... you know. And then we had to calm down the dragon so it would take us home.

[A SHORT SUMMARY but honestly Yasusada didn't get into nearly as much trouble as he could have. Small blessings...]

[How can he simultaneously be such a butthead and so endearing?? He makes a grumpy noise when his temple is flicked, but at least he's distracted by FINALLY BEING ABLE to brush Yasusada's hair out properly.

He doesn't say anything directly about the compliment, but there's an extra softness to his gestures.]

Ah, seriously? That sounds like something straight out of a movie... Normally people are supposed to slay the dragon at the end, though.

[GOOD THING THIS ONE WAS NICE.]

I'm pretty surprised you didn't get more beat up than this, if you did all of that.

[THE YASUSADA CONUNDRUM.

It's nice, though, and the only reason he doesn't slump back against Kashuu is that he's pretty sure Kashuu would just push him forward again. So he just lets his head loll forward instead, letting Kashuu take over and adjust him as he pleases.]

Mm. I thought we'd have to, but you know how Anya is... and a few other people insisted we shouldn't kill it, so we were lucky they had the right idea.

[Otherwise he'd probably just be squashed on the bottom of its foot right about now.

At that, though, he can't help a wry smile. He doesn't say anything, but he does reach back to tug the back of his shirt up a little--and low and behold, that's where the worst of the bruising is. It looks like... well, like he got thrown into a wall. Among other things.]

A lot of it already healed... I guess it takes more time if it's something bad. [Since he's only ever really paid attention to his healing powers with shallow wounds, not such deep bruising as this.]

[GOOD THING FOR ANYA even though she chased monkeys around...

But he's definitely frowning at the sight of all those bruises. He can figure where it came from, of course, because this is Yasusada and he's never turned his back on a fight in all the years he's known him.

Carefully, he pulls the hand not holding the brush away from Yasusada's hair, drawing a delicate line down his back and over his spine.]

...Yeah, probably. I don't really get how it works yet, but I think the bigger something is, the longer it takes to go away.

[What a blessing, these strange abilities. He never thought he'd think that, but if it lessens Yasusada's discomfort or pain, then he can't be too angry about it.

That said, it sounds like the dragon was their final battle, and if Yasusada isn't skimping on the details, that seems to be the full of it. But just because this is Yasusada, he's gotta check:]

That's it, though, right? I'm not gonna get any surprises later?

[It's because she wouldn't let him fight the monkeys off from the start that they had to chase them in the first place!!

He doesn't jump or flinch at the touch, though, maybe because he'd expected it, maybe because Kashuu's hands are warm and soft and so blessedly familiar. It's still hitting him in small waves, just long they'd been apart--and it's probably going to keep hitting him for at least a few days. Is he going to barnacle onto Kashuu and refuse to even let him go grocery shopping?? maybe

For now, though, he's quiet, which is enough of an answer in and of itself. He could truthfully answer no--Yasusada isn't hiding any broken bones and he didn't smuggle home a monkey or anything. Still, it takes him a minute to find his voice, reluctant to speak of darkness and blood right now. But he's already broken one promise, he can't break another one.]

Do you remember that nightmare? [He doesn't stop to wait for an answer; Kashuu rarely forgets things like that.] I remembered more of that. Almost all of it, I think.

[There's the sound behind him of him taking a deep breath in and letting it out just as slowly. It's not really out of exasperation so much as exhaustion, felt both for himself and for Yasusada.

His hand raises then, briefly gracing the top of his shoulder. Then, he's back to brushing.]

I'm sorry I wasn't there.

[He can only hope that it wasn't too difficult for Yasusada to deal with on his own, and he hates that that's all he can do.]

Were you okay? ...D'you wanna talk about it?

[He knows better than to shake his head when Kashuu's working on him, but he makes a small sound of disagreement, reaching up to cover Kashuu's hand with his own. He doesn't grab it and refuse to let go, but only because he pretty much plans on flopping over and trapping Kashuu forever as soon as his hair's brushed out.

NOT REALLY (yes really)]

Don't be. I would've been too worried about you to fight well. [Which was already the case with Jack, but for entirely different reasons. Just the thought of Kashuu getting thrown across the room, slammed into a pile of debris, aggravating the wound that's already destroyed his life once--no matter how well they fight together, even Yasusada can see that he wouldn't have been at his best with Kashuu at his side. Not during that particular fight.

What he'd seen in his memory certainly wouldn't have helped, either. It's not even helping now, when he can feel Kashuu's hands on him and still worry they're too far apart.]

I did something stupid and made you cry. [There would be amusement in his voice about it, except there's nothing funny about that last part. If he closes his eyes, he can still see the tears on Kashuu's face, desperation ringing in his ears as Kashuu begs him to come home. From what he can gather, he'd followed that person (Soujirou...?), and though it had felt perfectly right in the moment, clearly it had been the wrong decision.

But he isn't sure how to put all of that in words, just yet. So instead he says:] And I saw us fighting those monsters together. We won, so I thought I'd be able to take on the one that showed up there, but... it was a lot stronger than I thought it would be.

[THANKS TY]

[He knows Yasusada telling the truth because he feels the same way, really. Hearing him recount his dangerous battles is already striking at unpleasant chords in him; if he had been there to see it all happen, he knows he'd have focused more on Yasusada than on the task at hand.

But that's no good.

He pulls the brush through Yasusada's hair a few more times before setting it down, scooting forward until his chest is pressed against his back. He slides his arms forward, curling them over Yasusada's waist, as if trying to banish the distance and reassure him all at once.]

Geez... You can't worry about me like that.

[Because they're... partners, aren't they? Of a sort. And as much as he would love, truly love, to run away from the possibility of ever having to use his sword again? Even he knows that's just wishful thinking at this point.

They'll probably have to fight together someday, just like his memories have been showing him. He's not really okay with that, but what can he do?

When Yasusada talks about making him cry, he just rests his head against the upper slope of his back.]

You're an idiot, so that's not surprising. [WHY IS HE SO RUDE.] ...Anyway, we're both getting stronger all the time, y'know? But don't just run off thinking you can take on the whole world. You're still supposed to come home, Yasu.

[An unintentional pale reflection of what he'd been crying about in Yasusada's memory.]

[Immediately, Yasusada leans back into the embrace, burying his face in the crook of Kashuu's neck. He breathes deeply, and maybe being sniffing creepers is just a Them thing, because immediately the tension drains out of his shoulders. He rests his hands on Kashuu's arms, and while his hold isn't tight, the air of don't let go is clear enough.

He doesn't bother arguing that he's going to worry no matter what. He always has, it's unchangeable fact at this point. Instead, he brushes a thumb reassuringly against the back of Kashuu's hand, nodding slightly.]

I know. I won't forget. [His voice is soft and serious.] You too, okay?

[Look it's fine, they could have creepier habits or quirks...]

I won't forget, either.

[It's not like either of them can promise that they'll never not come back. That, at this point, would be an untrue sort of optimism, which Kashuu doesn't often have the stomach for.

But he can at least promise that much, tucked away from the horrors of the last few weeks against someone he's probably always loved, who feels like such a familiar comfort.]

...I'm glad you made it through okay, though. It was a huuuge relief when I heard we were finally getting ready to help pull you guys back here.

[It's true, they could be Yato.

He shifts, twisting a little bit, just enough to be able to wrap his arms around Kashuu and press a reassuring kiss to his collarbone. Maybe it's weird to fall into such habits so easily, like it's completely natural--but then again, nothing about this has been "normal" to begin with. And anyway, it's not so different from how they've always been. Even if Yasusada had the energy to get flustered, he's always been, according to Kashuu, a "walking embarrassment".]

I never really thought we wouldn't. [He admits this almost sheepishly, like perhaps he should've truly been afraid. And he had been afraid, just... for very different reasons.] I mean, aside from the fighting and stuff. I was more worried about what was happening here... I didn't know there was a chance we wouldn't have been able to make it home.

[Not getting home had never been an option. Sure, he'd been afraid of getting killed, but that's different from the sort of "never coming home" Kashuu's mentioned.]

It seemed like we'd been expected, though. We found a camp and then we went to a cabin in the sky, and they both had stuff for us. The temple had an armory, too. [HENCE THE SECOND SWORD and his two daggers that are probably still in the doorway?? Yams that's not very nice to your new friends. But more importantly--] It always seemed like something was pushing us towards an end goal, so... I thought, once we made it there, we'd be home.

[And he'd been right, sort of. He hadn't anticipated a dragon, obviously... but still, his reasoning is sound. If that "end goal" hadn't been getting home, he would've just kept on going until he did find a way back. Simple as that.]

[HE IS A WALKING EMBARRASSMENT.

But Kashuu is too tired to even tsun properly... He wouldn't acknowledge how easily they slipped into this either, like they've been just a breath away from more intimate physical affections for years (because they have and they're just idiots). It's just nice to get the extra reassurance, really. He's always been a tactile person, and this is just as soothing - if not more - than actual words.]

I'm not surprised.

[And he isn't... He knows Yasusada!! He knows that this idiot sets his mind on things and doesn't ever consider failure an option! Kashuu had been the one worrying about him dying or getting wrapped up in some inescapable unreality instead, but that's not really unusual, either.

He sighs, tugging on Yasusada's hair.]

Geez... While you guys were out there camping- [Though he knows, of course, it wasn't that simple.] -we were running around dealing with stupid riddles and puzzles and spirits and magic and monsters all week. I grew gills for you, y'know.

[LET HIM LIVE.]

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