My arm still isn't healed. [And according to Dick, it won't be anytime soon.] And if we can't catch any of the killers, they'll pick me.
[It's what happened last time. He'd lost someone close to him, had been even closer to losing the person he cared about the most. He'd lost control of his emotions, and died for it. He'd tried so, so hard not to do that this time, and for what? He'd stayed his hand for Okita back in the castle, and for what?
Some part of him, the small part that isn't wracked with devastation, can sense that Dick is--trying. Much like Stephanie, he doesn't think Dick would've killed Sanji either. So, finally, even though his voice is just as sullen as its been--]
[ alright. that's a lot to unpack. dick sits down where he is, legs crossed, so he can look at yams eye to eye ]
I'm glad you didn't. [ first off, important. ] But you won't get scapegoated. I won't let that happen. Sanji would kick my ass if anything happened to you.
[ again, he can't inflect, but he hopes he looks sincere enough, despite the joke. because he is. ]
[And Sanji couldn't save him then, either. In fairness, they hadn't been that close then. But Sanji hadn't voted for him, had come to see him in the dungeon. And he'd looked after Okita, when Yasusada was gone.
He meets Dick's gaze for a long moment. There's pain there, and some anger, still, but also resignation.]
..Dick-san, I-- [He hesitates. This is... normally something he would've mentioned to Sanji, but that's no longer an option.] There's-- I don't know who else to tell.
[He knows himself. There's no one left alive that he trusts enough to seek out, when he's like this. And if Dick is here, then he might as well be upfront about it. It'll come out tomorrow anyway, and while Yasusada no longer cares how suspicious he looks, he doesn't want to be distracted from finding Sanji's killer.]
I woke up with a strange mark. Right here. [He lifts his good hand, pressing it to the center of his chest.] And I felt--guilt? I don't know why.
[He nods, finally sitting up a little straighter. He unwraps his scarf, careful not to jostle his broken arm too much. He doesn't have his chestplate, but it's still a little tricky to push aside the few layers of his yukata with one hand, so it's a little slow going. Still, eventually he gets it open enough to show Dick a circular cut on his sternum, just a little bigger than a quarter. It's not a perfect circle, but it definitely looks fresh. Dick can probably see some other scattered injuries, too, at varying levels of newness, but he's apparently unconcerned about those.]
I felt guilt and despair, and then--angry. I still do. But that's-- [Well. He gestures, uselessly, with his good hand. He is angry, isn't he? He's barely spared a thought for himself, and his own emotions are so intense that he isn't sure he can begin to parse them, let alone if something's off or not. In truth, he barely even cares, but it is a little confusing. If this is some kind of curse, if someone is trying to distract him from focusing on finding Sanji's killer...]
[ dick doesn't touch it-- considering emotion week, he doesn't want to make things worse, but he definitely looks concerned for a while, frowning as he stares. he types out, slowly: ]
You haven't secretly killed anyone Thursday night, have you? [ he smiles wanly to show he's joking. ] And you're sure it's not a curfew effect?
[DICK STOP MAKING JOKES AT THE EMOTIONALLY TRAUMATIZED SWORD YOU AREN'T HELPING. He obviously doesn't look amused; he frowns, slowly shaking his head.]
Not unless something's changed. Sanji-kun and I were definitely in the cabin. [Or, well. His shoulders droop, and he looks down. They were supposed to be, anyway.] He-- he didn't want me doing something stupid and getting hurt again.
[Considering Yasusada's track record has been: getting stuck on a shark on murder night, getting his arm cut off (and regrown) from a break-in, and getting his (other) arm broken on announcement day, CAN HE REALLY BE BLAMED.]
...I should've looked out for him better. I should've... [Done something, anything differently. He shakes his head.]
[ dick's quiet for a bit, looking like he's weighing something. he thinks of sanji and his shoulders square up, looking serious ]
That's part of why you thought you'd get scapegoated, isn't it? Between staying in your cabin and the wounds, it looks suspicious for sure. Yasusada, I need you to tell me, sincerely. Did you kill anyone last night? I promise I'll explain after.
Dick-san, the minute I heard Sanji-kun's name, I stopped thinking about myself.
[If Dick hadn't approached him out here, he probably wouldn't have said anything at all. He looks at Dick, blue eyes dark with resignation.
Who would trust a weapon not to kill?]
I didn't, Dick-san. And it isn't like I haven't asked. [He doesn't think he's been secretive about his opinions. He hates these games, hates the spectacle they make of death. He's expressed, more than once, that he thinks it would be much kinder to end things quickly.] But at the castle, Okita-kun told me not to. And Sanji-kun and Stephanie-kun told me not to here.
[Wait, they'd all said. We need more information. So he'd waited, and waited, and been repaid in the blood of those he cares about.]
Dick-san, I don't care if you don't believe me. One way or another, they won't allow me to live. [If they catch Sanji's killer, he will kill them. Even if they don't, he's proven that he can't control himself. He shifts, moving to pull his clothing back into place.]
Sanji-kun and I made a promise that we'd rescue Okita-kun, but if we-- [He cuts himself off, closing his eyes and shaking his head a little. The words taste like ash in his mouth, but he forces them out anyway.] --if we can't do that, then I at least want to find Sanji-kun's killer. Please.
[ ... dick doesn't interrupt, listening with a twist to his mouth as he looks down at his tablet, thinking over his and yasusada's words. he opens his mouth as if he wants to say something but doesn't, nodding instead. ]
I swear. No matter what happens tomorrow, I'll do everything I can to find Sanji's killer. It's important to me, too. Believe me on that if nothing else, okay? I will find Sanji's killer.
[It would be so easy to say you don't trust me, so why should I trust you? To point out that he's perfectly aware Dick has never fully trusted him. Don't talk about the cabin, send people to me. That it's evident he doesn't now, when he's clearly holding himself back.
But that's... unfair. And, granted, Yasusada isn't feeling very fair right now--but he knows what he looks like. The odds were never going to be in his favor. He took a chance, mentioning this, and it--well, no. It didn't fail, because he doesn't care what happens to him. If Dick will help find Sanji's killer, then it's fine.
He's a tool. If he has to die to serve his purpose, then that's fine. It's better than being left behind again.]
[ there's no hesitation when he types this one out. he lifts a hand to hover it near yasusada's chest ]
I can't help you hide this. I don't know anyone who could, either. And in this place, I'm always second guessing myself on what I should do. I've messed up a lot. But despite all that, please work with me to find Sanji's killer tomorrow.
I wouldn't try to hide it. [Secrecy just isn't in his nature. His emotions, his loyalties, his actions--he's never been anything but painfully honest about all of them.
Like now--his gaze is utterly serious.]
I will. But if we find them, I will kill them.
[Who is left to tell him not to? Whose words hold any weight, anymore? This, more than the injuries, is why he's resigned to his own fate--if he's wearing his heart on his sleeve anyway, then what's the point of not speaking honestly?]
You know I can't let you do that. And I know you won't listen when I tell you not to. [ he's experienced it often enough, in the break in. ] Would you kill anyone else, to get to them? Is that the point you're at?
So it's kinder to make them sit and consider their own demise all night, then trap them somewhere with an innocent person and give them pens to fight with? How is that justice? At least I'm meant for fighting.
It's not justice. These trials, the executions, none of it was ever justice. But if you kill them on Saturday, everyone will vote for you, and you'll be the one trapped fighting with an innocent person. How is it any different to make them kill you?
[ also murder is bad but he's not going to argue that with a sword ]
If I kill them on Saturday, then at least I'll have blood on my hands. None of you will have to encourage someone you don't like to fight just because you feel guilty.
[He remembers how they were with Ogata. Yasusada's such a wild creature that it's terribly easy to forget how much he sees, how much he understands, why there's so much that he doesn't.
But he still fully believes that his emotions have condemned him once again. Even if he didn't have a single scratch on him, or any unusual emotions messing with his head, Dick wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. Dick wasn't there, at the castle. He didn't see it happen, but Yasusada can read the writing on the wall.
It wouldn't make Okita proud. But Yasusada couldn't do that in the castle, either, or in real life. Fate really does play its own games, doesn't it?]
[ dick won't argue with that-- the executions are meant to play out as a spectator sport, and for the most part, they have. he hates them and has taken no joy from any. that won't change with who's up there. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It doesn't matter even if I did. It won't stop me.
[He will find Sanji's killer tomorrow, or he will die trying. Whatever happens to Yasusada in the process doesn't matter.]
no subject
[ he can't inflect with the tablet, but he looks sincere, a light furrow to his brow. ]
no subject
[It's what happened last time. He'd lost someone close to him, had been even closer to losing the person he cared about the most. He'd lost control of his emotions, and died for it. He'd tried so, so hard not to do that this time, and for what? He'd stayed his hand for Okita back in the castle, and for what?
Some part of him, the small part that isn't wracked with devastation, can sense that Dick is--trying. Much like Stephanie, he doesn't think Dick would've killed Sanji either. So, finally, even though his voice is just as sullen as its been--]
I didn't make it worse.
no subject
I'm glad you didn't. [ first off, important. ] But you won't get scapegoated. I won't let that happen. Sanji would kick my ass if anything happened to you.
[ again, he can't inflect, but he hopes he looks sincere enough, despite the joke. because he is. ]
no subject
[And Sanji couldn't save him then, either. In fairness, they hadn't been that close then. But Sanji hadn't voted for him, had come to see him in the dungeon. And he'd looked after Okita, when Yasusada was gone.
He meets Dick's gaze for a long moment. There's pain there, and some anger, still, but also resignation.]
..Dick-san, I-- [He hesitates. This is... normally something he would've mentioned to Sanji, but that's no longer an option.] There's-- I don't know who else to tell.
[He knows himself. There's no one left alive that he trusts enough to seek out, when he's like this. And if Dick is here, then he might as well be upfront about it. It'll come out tomorrow anyway, and while Yasusada no longer cares how suspicious he looks, he doesn't want to be distracted from finding Sanji's killer.]
I woke up with a strange mark. Right here. [He lifts his good hand, pressing it to the center of his chest.] And I felt--guilt? I don't know why.
no subject
Can you show me what it looks like? And-- was it bleeding when you woke up?
no subject
I felt guilt and despair, and then--angry. I still do. But that's-- [Well. He gestures, uselessly, with his good hand. He is angry, isn't he? He's barely spared a thought for himself, and his own emotions are so intense that he isn't sure he can begin to parse them, let alone if something's off or not. In truth, he barely even cares, but it is a little confusing. If this is some kind of curse, if someone is trying to distract him from focusing on finding Sanji's killer...]
no subject
You haven't secretly killed anyone Thursday night, have you? [ he smiles wanly to show he's joking. ] And you're sure it's not a curfew effect?
no subject
Not unless something's changed. Sanji-kun and I were definitely in the cabin. [Or, well. His shoulders droop, and he looks down. They were supposed to be, anyway.] He-- he didn't want me doing something stupid and getting hurt again.
[Considering Yasusada's track record has been: getting stuck on a shark on murder night, getting his arm cut off (and regrown) from a break-in, and getting his (other) arm broken on announcement day, CAN HE REALLY BE BLAMED.]
...I should've looked out for him better. I should've... [Done something, anything differently. He shakes his head.]
no subject
That's part of why you thought you'd get scapegoated, isn't it? Between staying in your cabin and the wounds, it looks suspicious for sure. Yasusada, I need you to tell me, sincerely. Did you kill anyone last night? I promise I'll explain after.
no subject
[If Dick hadn't approached him out here, he probably wouldn't have said anything at all. He looks at Dick, blue eyes dark with resignation.
Who would trust a weapon not to kill?]
I didn't, Dick-san. And it isn't like I haven't asked. [He doesn't think he's been secretive about his opinions. He hates these games, hates the spectacle they make of death. He's expressed, more than once, that he thinks it would be much kinder to end things quickly.] But at the castle, Okita-kun told me not to. And Sanji-kun and Stephanie-kun told me not to here.
[Wait, they'd all said. We need more information. So he'd waited, and waited, and been repaid in the blood of those he cares about.]
Dick-san, I don't care if you don't believe me. One way or another, they won't allow me to live. [If they catch Sanji's killer, he will kill them. Even if they don't, he's proven that he can't control himself. He shifts, moving to pull his clothing back into place.]
Sanji-kun and I made a promise that we'd rescue Okita-kun, but if we-- [He cuts himself off, closing his eyes and shaking his head a little. The words taste like ash in his mouth, but he forces them out anyway.] --if we can't do that, then I at least want to find Sanji-kun's killer. Please.
no subject
I swear. No matter what happens tomorrow, I'll do everything I can to find Sanji's killer. It's important to me, too. Believe me on that if nothing else, okay? I will find Sanji's killer.
no subject
But that's... unfair. And, granted, Yasusada isn't feeling very fair right now--but he knows what he looks like. The odds were never going to be in his favor. He took a chance, mentioning this, and it--well, no. It didn't fail, because he doesn't care what happens to him. If Dick will help find Sanji's killer, then it's fine.
He's a tool. If he has to die to serve his purpose, then that's fine. It's better than being left behind again.]
...if we fail, I won't forgive you. Or myself.
no subject
[ there's no hesitation when he types this one out. he lifts a hand to hover it near yasusada's chest ]
I can't help you hide this. I don't know anyone who could, either. And in this place, I'm always second guessing myself on what I should do. I've messed up a lot. But despite all that, please work with me to find Sanji's killer tomorrow.
no subject
Like now--his gaze is utterly serious.]
I will. But if we find them, I will kill them.
[Who is left to tell him not to? Whose words hold any weight, anymore? This, more than the injuries, is why he's resigned to his own fate--if he's wearing his heart on his sleeve anyway, then what's the point of not speaking honestly?]
no subject
You know I can't let you do that. And I know you won't listen when I tell you not to. [ he's experienced it often enough, in the break in. ] Would you kill anyone else, to get to them? Is that the point you're at?
no subject
So it's kinder to make them sit and consider their own demise all night, then trap them somewhere with an innocent person and give them pens to fight with? How is that justice? At least I'm meant for fighting.
no subject
It's not justice. These trials, the executions, none of it was ever justice. But if you kill them on Saturday, everyone will vote for you, and you'll be the one trapped fighting with an innocent person. How is it any different to make them kill you?
[ also murder is bad but he's not going to argue that with a sword ]
no subject
[He remembers how they were with Ogata. Yasusada's such a wild creature that it's terribly easy to forget how much he sees, how much he understands, why there's so much that he doesn't.
But he still fully believes that his emotions have condemned him once again. Even if he didn't have a single scratch on him, or any unusual emotions messing with his head, Dick wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. Dick wasn't there, at the castle. He didn't see it happen, but Yasusada can read the writing on the wall.
It wouldn't make Okita proud. But Yasusada couldn't do that in the castle, either, or in real life. Fate really does play its own games, doesn't it?]
no subject
What about whoever has to fight you?