Dick-san, the minute I heard Sanji-kun's name, I stopped thinking about myself.
[If Dick hadn't approached him out here, he probably wouldn't have said anything at all. He looks at Dick, blue eyes dark with resignation.
Who would trust a weapon not to kill?]
I didn't, Dick-san. And it isn't like I haven't asked. [He doesn't think he's been secretive about his opinions. He hates these games, hates the spectacle they make of death. He's expressed, more than once, that he thinks it would be much kinder to end things quickly.] But at the castle, Okita-kun told me not to. And Sanji-kun and Stephanie-kun told me not to here.
[Wait, they'd all said. We need more information. So he'd waited, and waited, and been repaid in the blood of those he cares about.]
Dick-san, I don't care if you don't believe me. One way or another, they won't allow me to live. [If they catch Sanji's killer, he will kill them. Even if they don't, he's proven that he can't control himself. He shifts, moving to pull his clothing back into place.]
Sanji-kun and I made a promise that we'd rescue Okita-kun, but if we-- [He cuts himself off, closing his eyes and shaking his head a little. The words taste like ash in his mouth, but he forces them out anyway.] --if we can't do that, then I at least want to find Sanji-kun's killer. Please.
[ ... dick doesn't interrupt, listening with a twist to his mouth as he looks down at his tablet, thinking over his and yasusada's words. he opens his mouth as if he wants to say something but doesn't, nodding instead. ]
I swear. No matter what happens tomorrow, I'll do everything I can to find Sanji's killer. It's important to me, too. Believe me on that if nothing else, okay? I will find Sanji's killer.
[It would be so easy to say you don't trust me, so why should I trust you? To point out that he's perfectly aware Dick has never fully trusted him. Don't talk about the cabin, send people to me. That it's evident he doesn't now, when he's clearly holding himself back.
But that's... unfair. And, granted, Yasusada isn't feeling very fair right now--but he knows what he looks like. The odds were never going to be in his favor. He took a chance, mentioning this, and it--well, no. It didn't fail, because he doesn't care what happens to him. If Dick will help find Sanji's killer, then it's fine.
He's a tool. If he has to die to serve his purpose, then that's fine. It's better than being left behind again.]
[ there's no hesitation when he types this one out. he lifts a hand to hover it near yasusada's chest ]
I can't help you hide this. I don't know anyone who could, either. And in this place, I'm always second guessing myself on what I should do. I've messed up a lot. But despite all that, please work with me to find Sanji's killer tomorrow.
I wouldn't try to hide it. [Secrecy just isn't in his nature. His emotions, his loyalties, his actions--he's never been anything but painfully honest about all of them.
Like now--his gaze is utterly serious.]
I will. But if we find them, I will kill them.
[Who is left to tell him not to? Whose words hold any weight, anymore? This, more than the injuries, is why he's resigned to his own fate--if he's wearing his heart on his sleeve anyway, then what's the point of not speaking honestly?]
You know I can't let you do that. And I know you won't listen when I tell you not to. [ he's experienced it often enough, in the break in. ] Would you kill anyone else, to get to them? Is that the point you're at?
So it's kinder to make them sit and consider their own demise all night, then trap them somewhere with an innocent person and give them pens to fight with? How is that justice? At least I'm meant for fighting.
It's not justice. These trials, the executions, none of it was ever justice. But if you kill them on Saturday, everyone will vote for you, and you'll be the one trapped fighting with an innocent person. How is it any different to make them kill you?
[ also murder is bad but he's not going to argue that with a sword ]
If I kill them on Saturday, then at least I'll have blood on my hands. None of you will have to encourage someone you don't like to fight just because you feel guilty.
[He remembers how they were with Ogata. Yasusada's such a wild creature that it's terribly easy to forget how much he sees, how much he understands, why there's so much that he doesn't.
But he still fully believes that his emotions have condemned him once again. Even if he didn't have a single scratch on him, or any unusual emotions messing with his head, Dick wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. Dick wasn't there, at the castle. He didn't see it happen, but Yasusada can read the writing on the wall.
It wouldn't make Okita proud. But Yasusada couldn't do that in the castle, either, or in real life. Fate really does play its own games, doesn't it?]
[ dick won't argue with that-- the executions are meant to play out as a spectator sport, and for the most part, they have. he hates them and has taken no joy from any. that won't change with who's up there. ]
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[If Dick hadn't approached him out here, he probably wouldn't have said anything at all. He looks at Dick, blue eyes dark with resignation.
Who would trust a weapon not to kill?]
I didn't, Dick-san. And it isn't like I haven't asked. [He doesn't think he's been secretive about his opinions. He hates these games, hates the spectacle they make of death. He's expressed, more than once, that he thinks it would be much kinder to end things quickly.] But at the castle, Okita-kun told me not to. And Sanji-kun and Stephanie-kun told me not to here.
[Wait, they'd all said. We need more information. So he'd waited, and waited, and been repaid in the blood of those he cares about.]
Dick-san, I don't care if you don't believe me. One way or another, they won't allow me to live. [If they catch Sanji's killer, he will kill them. Even if they don't, he's proven that he can't control himself. He shifts, moving to pull his clothing back into place.]
Sanji-kun and I made a promise that we'd rescue Okita-kun, but if we-- [He cuts himself off, closing his eyes and shaking his head a little. The words taste like ash in his mouth, but he forces them out anyway.] --if we can't do that, then I at least want to find Sanji-kun's killer. Please.
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I swear. No matter what happens tomorrow, I'll do everything I can to find Sanji's killer. It's important to me, too. Believe me on that if nothing else, okay? I will find Sanji's killer.
no subject
But that's... unfair. And, granted, Yasusada isn't feeling very fair right now--but he knows what he looks like. The odds were never going to be in his favor. He took a chance, mentioning this, and it--well, no. It didn't fail, because he doesn't care what happens to him. If Dick will help find Sanji's killer, then it's fine.
He's a tool. If he has to die to serve his purpose, then that's fine. It's better than being left behind again.]
...if we fail, I won't forgive you. Or myself.
no subject
[ there's no hesitation when he types this one out. he lifts a hand to hover it near yasusada's chest ]
I can't help you hide this. I don't know anyone who could, either. And in this place, I'm always second guessing myself on what I should do. I've messed up a lot. But despite all that, please work with me to find Sanji's killer tomorrow.
no subject
Like now--his gaze is utterly serious.]
I will. But if we find them, I will kill them.
[Who is left to tell him not to? Whose words hold any weight, anymore? This, more than the injuries, is why he's resigned to his own fate--if he's wearing his heart on his sleeve anyway, then what's the point of not speaking honestly?]
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You know I can't let you do that. And I know you won't listen when I tell you not to. [ he's experienced it often enough, in the break in. ] Would you kill anyone else, to get to them? Is that the point you're at?
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So it's kinder to make them sit and consider their own demise all night, then trap them somewhere with an innocent person and give them pens to fight with? How is that justice? At least I'm meant for fighting.
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It's not justice. These trials, the executions, none of it was ever justice. But if you kill them on Saturday, everyone will vote for you, and you'll be the one trapped fighting with an innocent person. How is it any different to make them kill you?
[ also murder is bad but he's not going to argue that with a sword ]
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[He remembers how they were with Ogata. Yasusada's such a wild creature that it's terribly easy to forget how much he sees, how much he understands, why there's so much that he doesn't.
But he still fully believes that his emotions have condemned him once again. Even if he didn't have a single scratch on him, or any unusual emotions messing with his head, Dick wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. Dick wasn't there, at the castle. He didn't see it happen, but Yasusada can read the writing on the wall.
It wouldn't make Okita proud. But Yasusada couldn't do that in the castle, either, or in real life. Fate really does play its own games, doesn't it?]
no subject
What about whoever has to fight you?