Yamato no Kami Yasusada (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
okitactless) wrote2020-06-07 01:23 pm
okitactless) wrote2020-06-07 01:23 pmEntry tags:
tonbo - catchall
I'll shitpost later
okitactless) wrote2020-06-07 01:23 pm
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That doesn't sound so bad.
He nods again, a little more confidently this time, and moves forward. Let's say they're outside already just to make it easy; he'll at least come sit down next to him. Whatever he's feeling, it isn't to an irreparable level, apparently.
Fortunately, Yasusada's never been one to keep his thoughts, y'know. Inside his head. He'll be quiet for a little while, but he speaks up soon enough. His voice is still quiet, though, and sad. A little hurt.]
...You didn't trust me.
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I did. Far more than I could say.
[ his hands were bound in so many ways this game, unable to reach out and so, so scared to accidentally get another involved when it involved multiple teams all vying to stay alive. the guilt of accidentally involving another sword into unspeakable promises would have just been too much. ]
I could not involve you with our roles, the risk would have been far too great for the both of us. The last thing I wished for was to have you blamed for something out of our control. [ NOT THAT... IT HELPED IN THE LONG RUN, HAHA......... ] But there were little other ways I could - even if I was not able to speak of it.
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...I would have helped you. [He's sure some of the others are angry at Tonbokiri for killing, for his choices of targets, for his methods of killing. And maybe Yasusada would judge all of that, too, if he wasn't feeling so personally wounded. But as it is, there's little he can focus on besides the struggle to express his own feelings.] I just--wanted to do something.
[He'd felt so helpless, watching the weeks pass by with no indication of progress. Not even the slightest hint that anything was happening. He'd simply thought the escalation of bodies was a sign that people were getting desperate to win.]
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[ he's struggled with this, holding this role close to his chest while the others pointed accusing fingers at each other only to discover this is what the snake wanted all along. perhaps he should have been quietly more open about it but given the "warnings" that happened, being worried for everyone's safety was a valid concern ]
We did not get our first mission until weeks into the game when tensions already began rising high. I did not want to risk scapegoating another person needlessly for just knowing information.
[ he sighs then, the stress of all the trials hitting him all at once ]
I will admit that a part of me was also scared to lose another comrade like we lost almost everyone else aboard the ship. The last thing I had wanted was for one of us to be executed in such a fashion and to my dismay, I failed you. I do apologize for that.
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Unbidden, Yasusada thinks of what Wei Wuxian told him on the bus. The idea of Kanesada dying is hard enough to wrap his head around--he hasn't forgotten that those from the ship had more or less "failed". How differently would he have acted, if things had ended badly at the castle?
In a situation like that, he's pretty sure he knows what choices he would've made.]
Those places affected us a lot, didn't they.
[Yasusada's been dealing with these games for 15 weeks, at this point. He hadn't realized just how much his time in the castle had affected his choices here, not until he made his most important choice.]
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[ he's learned that far too well over the past few weeks. things that would have never bothered him once now lock him up in a swirl of emotions. certain phrases or words trigger strong reactions. it's like watching their masters come back from war, distrusting of everyone but their most closely kept men. ]
These games have affected us quite more strongly than I had anticipated.