okitactless | IC inbox; recolle

[~~every day is gay agenda day with them tbh~~

It's the change in expression, subtle though it is, that really catches his attention. He doesn't exactly sit around and stare at Kashuu's face, but he knows his best friend well enough to pick up on it nonetheless. Kashuu's good at faking tones and expressions when he wants to do so (though, strangely enough, Yamato's pretty much always been able to see through it), so when it comes to moments like this, it's even more obvious.

Kashuu hasn't apologized, hasn't mentioned anything since he opened the door, but Yamato understands anyway. Wouldn't it be unfair to expect a spoken apology, when he hasn't said a word either? And isn't it enough, really, to see an expression like that? There's enough remorse written into the relief of his shoulders, enough longing eased by the pull of his smile--Kashuu hasn't spoken, but Yamato hears what he's saying anyway.

He's still embarrassed, and he ducks his head, bangs falling into his eyes and promptly undoing Kashuu's handiwork. (Not surprising--he'd barely even bothered with the ponytail when he'd left the house). But it's a warm feeling, even if he doesn't know what to do with it.]

I messed up my nails.

[Is the first thing that comes to mind, and he speaks without thinking, as usual. His nails were messed up pretty much the day after Kashuu painted them (of course), but he holds a hand out anyway, like this is a brand new occurrence. In fairness, it's clear that he's recently been picking at the polish still hanging on for dear life, but all that remains is a flower petal and a speck of blue here and there.]

You worked really hard on them...

[It's enough to draw his attention away from the cabbage again, though it hadn't really been firmly anchored there in the first place. He arches a brow and glances from Yamato's face down to his hands, to the little specks of polish still remaining.

It's easy to tell Yamato's been picking at it, considering how long it usually takes polish that's been sealed properly to even begin flaking. Maybe under normal circumstances, he would berate Yamato for being careless, complain about all of the time he put into it going to waste. But despite the both of them continuing to carry on like things are normal (relatively speaking), they aren't, and he doesn't bother delving back into petty sniping and griping just yet.]

Polish isn't meant to last forever, you know. No matter how much work or time you put into 'em, you'd have to strip 'em all clean and redo the ones that chip every few days.

[The real struggle... When you just can't live with even a single chip on your nail.]

What, do you want me to redo yours?

[That's said with the smallest teasing lilt.]

No way!

[IMMEDIATELY... and he sure is shaking his head with way more vigor than necessary?? Some things truly never change.

Some things do, though. He toys with his fingers for a minute, jaw working as he processes the apology in his mouth, debating whether or not to let it out. "Sorry I messed up my nails" isn't really what he wants to say, but it's still a "sorry", and he's reasonably certain Kashuu would understand. Part of him (a large part, actually) still smarts from the things Kashuu said--and Kashuu was right, when he'd told Thalia that Yamato hadn't said anything he didn't truly believe. But with the clarity brought by time and Kashuu's presence like a salve on his loneliness, he's conscious enough to realize he's got plenty to apologize for too. No matter how much he wants Kashuu to stop running, for his own sake, there are a hundred better ways he could've gone about it. It's easier to see that now, in the light of day.]

...If you want to clean them or something, though, then I wouldn't mind.

[He hates getting his nails filed or trimmed or-- anything, honestly, polish is really the least traumatizing bit of the whole ordeal. Just like this shopping trip, it's a peace offering of sorts.

And hey, it's better than a cabbage to the head, right?]

[set him free, honestly...

But as is the case with almost everything else, the two of them are on the same page more often than they're off of it. Kashuu understands what's behind this offer here; even if it'd be a pretty weird offer even on a good day, it's the sentiment he can read behind it now that really makes it stand out.]

—I was going to anyway. [HE WASN'T but it's always so easy to slide back into routine, to pick up where he left off even if he has a lot of things left to say.] You can't just go wandering around with little tiny specks of polish all over your nails. It's not cute at all.

[So he's clearly just doing his duty when he cleans them up, because taking care of Yamato is his job and even if Yamato does the cooking and dishes, Kashuu's the one who makes sure he's tidy and presentable.

That's the way it's supposed to be, after all.]

[Yamato sighs, and it's supposed to sound exasperated, but mostly it just comes out as relieved. PLAN B IS A WASTE OF GOOD CABBAGE and also maybe he's just a little bit glad that things haven't changed that much. He knows Kashuu, probably better than he even knows himself, but there are moments--especially when things are uneasy between them--that throw him off, uncertainty and worry nipping at his heart. It's nice, to have that affirmation, to know that yes, he does still know his closest friend just as well as he always has.]

Just when are you going to realize that nobody's looking to see if I'm cute or not, huh? [The words seem like a complaint, but there's an obvious smile in his voice, and warmth in his eyes. Maybe someday one of them will realize that Yamato only bothers with any of this when it makes Kashuu happy... today probably isn't that day, but, y'know. Baby steps.]

[Today probably isn't that day, no... It'd require more awareness and concentration than either of them have even on a good day, and despite the soothing of tensions and loneliness and the fact that this is all going much better than he'd anticipated, he's still devoting most of his attention to the current situation.]

Just 'cause you don't pay attention to that stuff doesn't mean everyone else is the same, Yasu.

[But likewise, while this would normally be said with exasperation, it falls a little shy this time.

Anyway, to avoid being more of an embarrassment than he already is, he reaches forward to pick up Yamato's hand so he can inspect his nails a little closer. Just for a second, considering they're in the middle of the produce section in a grocery store and all.]

Mm... Yeah, this won't take long to clean up.]

[It would be nice to say "eventually he might believe that" but alas, the more sword he gets the less he'll care about appearances... good job yams.

It's only for a second, but even when Kashuu lets go, Yamato's hand hovers awkwardly in the air. His fingers curl inward, holding onto some imaginary source of strength--but only for a second, until he reaches out and latches gently onto Kashuu's sleeve.

It's not so different from when he'd had his nightmare, and even that wasn't the first time he'd done it. There's a certain kind of support he gets, just from knowing that Kashuu is right there within his reach; Even on his best days, sometimes he needs it, and today is definitely not one of his best days.]

I missed you.

[There he goes again, being blunt and embarrassing right out in the open... but this, he says quietly. Not because he's embarrassed, oh no. But because this is something he wants to keep between the two of them, a fragile confession that might shatter at the slightest hitch.]

[and kashuu thinks his work is cut out for him now...

Either way, he's used to the reflexive reach and the way Yamato clings to his sleeve. He does it to Yamato sometimes, too, so he understands why it happens. It's just comforting - being able to hold onto something solid is grounding, or a way to remind himself that the things upsetting him aren't enough to overpower him. Not if Yamato is there, anyway.

Yamato's own dang bluntness might be enough to overpower him though, and he's a little flustered and a little upset and a little lost for words all at the same time.]

I—

[Missed you too, is the obvious end to that sentence. He hadn't really bothered to put his loneliness into such succinct words before, but that's what it boils down to, right? He'd missed Yamato terribly.

Something in him keeps that sentence stuck to the roof of his mouth, though. He's a strange juxtaposition of saying some things too easily and not being able to say others at all - those soft and gentle words, especially. His expression briefly screws up like he's angry with something (mostly himself) before smoothing back out again, almost placid in a complete flip.]

I don't like it. [GOOD START.] When you're not around and I can't hear you snoring down the hall or rolling out of bed or getting up late or whatever... I don't like that.

[This really isn't the place to be having this conversation, but Yamato has never cared before, and he isn't going to start caring now.

When he looks at Kashuu, there's clear caution in his eyes, the sort of hesitation that comes from trying not to break something delicate. He can track even the most subtle of expressions on Kashuu's face, but that doesn't mean he always knows where they come from, and that brief frustration could easily be directed at him. He tries not to tense up when Kashuu speaks, but he can't help feeling a little nervous--a feeling he doesn't like, when they're normally so comfortable with each other.]

...I don't like it either. [He could ask where Kashuu stayed these past few days, but it doesn't really matter now, and in truth, he doesn't want to know. Not when Kashuu's speaking so truthfully, if indirectly. He isn't naive enough to think this will happen again anytime soon, and he doesn't want to put Kashuu off by saying the wrong thing, as he's so prone to doing.

"I don't like waking up and not hearing you in the kitchen" and "It's awful when I turn to tell you something and I remember you're not there" and "there's no one else in the world who could've helped with that nightmare vision and if I had another one without you around I don't know what I would do"--all very true, all things he'd be willing to say right now. But again, they all mean the same thing. And there's no point in dressing up his feelings in complicated examples when he knows exactly where they come from.]

I don't like coming home if you're not there.

Edited (that was not the icon I wanted ) 2017-04-22 07:41 (UTC)

[Kashuu is normally hypersensitive to things like location, looks, appearance - the audience they're surrounded by is important, and he doesn't let his guard down in public often. It's still not really down even now; there's a little part of his mind that's aware of the people milling around, but it's a backburner sort of thing. His conscious focus is on Yamato and what he's saying.

Again, they're on the same page.

He didn't like coming home that one single time only to find that Yamato wasn't there, either. It's unfair and selfish for him to be mad about it - he knows that - but he had been anyway. Now he knows, in no indirect terms, that it had been the same way for Yamato. It doesn't make him feel any better.

Kashuu is, of course, unaware of that last vision Yamato had while picking his way through the dark streets. He doesn't know anything about the whirl of abandonment because Yamato hasn't said anything about it. But he does know about the past week, and even before then, those years that had passed by in one-sided silence. The words that he eventually works out might still ring true for more than one situation.]

...I kept you waiting.

[He can't say "I didn't mean to", because he had. He doesn't say "I'm sorry" in the direct words either, but they're there.

He had left their home and kept Yamato waiting, but Yamato had still waited.]

[It's the blackout all over again, when all Yamato wants to do is rest his head on Kashuu's shoulder and deny the cracks forming beneath them. Kashuu isn't the only one who avoids unpleasant things, though they have different ways of going about it.

But they can't do that. And just as Yamato's unaware of the time Kashuu spent waiting for him, he does know that Kashuu hasn't had it any easier.]

Mm. [He can't make excuses, or try and say that Kashuu didn't do that. He absolutely did. But maybe it's like Soujirou said last night--maybe the very knowledge that someone had waited always meant more than Kashuu had let on. He'd been too hurt to acknowledge it from somebody else, even Soujirou, but coming from Kashuu himself...]

But you came back. [So it's... not okay, exactly. Maybe they'll never really be okay. But for now, it's more than enough.]

I'll always come back.

[He'd said something before, about it being his job to not leave Yamato to take care of himself. It was joking, but it was also untrue. He'd left before. He can't really promise he won't leave again. Whether it's his own fickleness driving him or something entirely out of his control, "I'll never leave you" isn't something he can say and mean honestly.

But this?

This is something he can say and mean 100%. He has before, and while he - as he is in this moment - wouldn't want to leave again... Well. At the very least, he knows if it happens anyway, he'll still come back.

That's the way it is, isn't it?

He lapses into brief silence after that, like he's trying to work something else out, trying to figure a new thought into words. He's standing nearly toe to toe with Yamato, basket momentarily forgotten as his eyes dart back and forth across his face like he's looking for his missing words there.]

I—

[And then some kindly old gentleman clears his throat and says something like excuse me, I need to get a cabbage and Kashuu probably nearly clocks Yamato in his immediate jolt back to the reality of the situation here.

Ie they're standing in front of the produce section at the supermarket.

iex2 electric boogaloo not the place to be having heart-to-hearts.]

Eh—?! Ah-- Sorry, sorry! We're done here. Let's just-- [GRAB THE NEAREST CABBAGE AND RUN. Literally, he just chucks one into the basket, snatches it back up and starts walking away.]

Chocolate next, right?

[With Kashuu's bouts of neediness, the lack of space in their apartment, and his own disregard for personal space, Yamato barely even notices how often they touch anymore. All he knows is that it's uncomfortable when they're too far apart, something he's felt quite keenly this past week.

It's likely because of that distance that he's so sensitive to the lack of it now, not that he's aware of such things. He's focused on Kashuu's words, on what he's saying and what he means, and he's only distantly aware that they're practically sharing a single square of tile. If he wanted to, he could probably count Kashuu's eyelashes from right where he is. And honestly, it wouldn't take more than a half-step forward to--

--AND THEN CABBAGE HAPPENS and he blinks, looking around as if he isn't quite sure where he is. But the sounds of the grocery store flood back in, and while Kashuu could break the sound barrier with how fast he's fleeing, he isn't exactly going far.

Still, Yamato hurries to catch up. Even here, the last thing he wants to see is Kashuu walking away from him.]

Right-- do those things call for more stuff? Like butter or whatever. [The kits, he means... he knows how to work with chocolate in a general sense, but Cute Desserts is really Kashuu's area of expertise more than his, so he's happy to hand over the reigns. GO FORTH AND FIND CUTE FOOD, PEANUT.]

IC inbox; recolle

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

when you notice you wrote the same dang phrase in a sentence twice

at least u didnt bracket randomly

not in this thread in particular, but...

rip........ 1/2

no subject

adds a tally to the Missed Opportunities counter