okitactless | IC inbox; recolle

[This really isn't the place to be having this conversation, but Yamato has never cared before, and he isn't going to start caring now.

When he looks at Kashuu, there's clear caution in his eyes, the sort of hesitation that comes from trying not to break something delicate. He can track even the most subtle of expressions on Kashuu's face, but that doesn't mean he always knows where they come from, and that brief frustration could easily be directed at him. He tries not to tense up when Kashuu speaks, but he can't help feeling a little nervous--a feeling he doesn't like, when they're normally so comfortable with each other.]

...I don't like it either. [He could ask where Kashuu stayed these past few days, but it doesn't really matter now, and in truth, he doesn't want to know. Not when Kashuu's speaking so truthfully, if indirectly. He isn't naive enough to think this will happen again anytime soon, and he doesn't want to put Kashuu off by saying the wrong thing, as he's so prone to doing.

"I don't like waking up and not hearing you in the kitchen" and "It's awful when I turn to tell you something and I remember you're not there" and "there's no one else in the world who could've helped with that nightmare vision and if I had another one without you around I don't know what I would do"--all very true, all things he'd be willing to say right now. But again, they all mean the same thing. And there's no point in dressing up his feelings in complicated examples when he knows exactly where they come from.]

I don't like coming home if you're not there.

Edited (that was not the icon I wanted ) 2017-04-22 07:41 (UTC)

[Kashuu is normally hypersensitive to things like location, looks, appearance - the audience they're surrounded by is important, and he doesn't let his guard down in public often. It's still not really down even now; there's a little part of his mind that's aware of the people milling around, but it's a backburner sort of thing. His conscious focus is on Yamato and what he's saying.

Again, they're on the same page.

He didn't like coming home that one single time only to find that Yamato wasn't there, either. It's unfair and selfish for him to be mad about it - he knows that - but he had been anyway. Now he knows, in no indirect terms, that it had been the same way for Yamato. It doesn't make him feel any better.

Kashuu is, of course, unaware of that last vision Yamato had while picking his way through the dark streets. He doesn't know anything about the whirl of abandonment because Yamato hasn't said anything about it. But he does know about the past week, and even before then, those years that had passed by in one-sided silence. The words that he eventually works out might still ring true for more than one situation.]

...I kept you waiting.

[He can't say "I didn't mean to", because he had. He doesn't say "I'm sorry" in the direct words either, but they're there.

He had left their home and kept Yamato waiting, but Yamato had still waited.]

[It's the blackout all over again, when all Yamato wants to do is rest his head on Kashuu's shoulder and deny the cracks forming beneath them. Kashuu isn't the only one who avoids unpleasant things, though they have different ways of going about it.

But they can't do that. And just as Yamato's unaware of the time Kashuu spent waiting for him, he does know that Kashuu hasn't had it any easier.]

Mm. [He can't make excuses, or try and say that Kashuu didn't do that. He absolutely did. But maybe it's like Soujirou said last night--maybe the very knowledge that someone had waited always meant more than Kashuu had let on. He'd been too hurt to acknowledge it from somebody else, even Soujirou, but coming from Kashuu himself...]

But you came back. [So it's... not okay, exactly. Maybe they'll never really be okay. But for now, it's more than enough.]

I'll always come back.

[He'd said something before, about it being his job to not leave Yamato to take care of himself. It was joking, but it was also untrue. He'd left before. He can't really promise he won't leave again. Whether it's his own fickleness driving him or something entirely out of his control, "I'll never leave you" isn't something he can say and mean honestly.

But this?

This is something he can say and mean 100%. He has before, and while he - as he is in this moment - wouldn't want to leave again... Well. At the very least, he knows if it happens anyway, he'll still come back.

That's the way it is, isn't it?

He lapses into brief silence after that, like he's trying to work something else out, trying to figure a new thought into words. He's standing nearly toe to toe with Yamato, basket momentarily forgotten as his eyes dart back and forth across his face like he's looking for his missing words there.]

I—

[And then some kindly old gentleman clears his throat and says something like excuse me, I need to get a cabbage and Kashuu probably nearly clocks Yamato in his immediate jolt back to the reality of the situation here.

Ie they're standing in front of the produce section at the supermarket.

iex2 electric boogaloo not the place to be having heart-to-hearts.]

Eh—?! Ah-- Sorry, sorry! We're done here. Let's just-- [GRAB THE NEAREST CABBAGE AND RUN. Literally, he just chucks one into the basket, snatches it back up and starts walking away.]

Chocolate next, right?

[With Kashuu's bouts of neediness, the lack of space in their apartment, and his own disregard for personal space, Yamato barely even notices how often they touch anymore. All he knows is that it's uncomfortable when they're too far apart, something he's felt quite keenly this past week.

It's likely because of that distance that he's so sensitive to the lack of it now, not that he's aware of such things. He's focused on Kashuu's words, on what he's saying and what he means, and he's only distantly aware that they're practically sharing a single square of tile. If he wanted to, he could probably count Kashuu's eyelashes from right where he is. And honestly, it wouldn't take more than a half-step forward to--

--AND THEN CABBAGE HAPPENS and he blinks, looking around as if he isn't quite sure where he is. But the sounds of the grocery store flood back in, and while Kashuu could break the sound barrier with how fast he's fleeing, he isn't exactly going far.

Still, Yamato hurries to catch up. Even here, the last thing he wants to see is Kashuu walking away from him.]

Right-- do those things call for more stuff? Like butter or whatever. [The kits, he means... he knows how to work with chocolate in a general sense, but Cute Desserts is really Kashuu's area of expertise more than his, so he's happy to hand over the reigns. GO FORTH AND FIND CUTE FOOD, PEANUT.]

IC inbox; recolle

when you notice you wrote the same dang phrase in a sentence twice

at least u didnt bracket randomly

not in this thread in particular, but...

rip........ 1/2

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