IC inbox; recolle

[okitactless]

Yasusada

I'd rather be doing kendo

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

Comments

[okitactless]

[There's a strange sound in his ears. The electric hum of the streetlights, or maybe the blood rushing through his ears. Maybe it's just what happens when your body gets taken over--not by the urge to strike in a magnificently deadly way, but simply by overwhelming numbness.

It hurts. Of course it hurts.

This is the part where he's supposed to stop Kashuu, he realizes. Where he's supposed to reach out, to grab his hand, to apologize and beg for him to come back home. He's been worried sick for hours, and those worries proved completely correct, and now he has to watch Kashuu leave again? With no way of knowing where he's going, when he'll be back, if he'll run into trouble? Again?

It's almost too much.

His hand shoots out as Kashuu brushes by, but it's Kashuu's elbow that he grabs, not his wrist. His nail polish has chipped over the course of the week (only natural, since he'd never intended to keep it on this long), but it still gleams as he yanks Kashuu back and holds out his other hand.]

Hand it over.

[It's almost too much. But even though it makes him sick just to think about, this hurts more. And right now, with the memory of Kashuu's fluid movements still so fresh in his mind, it's hurt that wins out. So he holds Kashuus's arm with one hand, and keeps the other extended as he nods towards the sword.]

If you really think it's so stupid and meaningless, then you don't deserve it. So give it to me.

[sharplydressed]

[There's a part of him that wants to just throw the stupid sword at Yamato's stupid face, honestly, because that hurts (which, he supposes, is only fair). He hadn't consciously set it up that way, but he really had been showing all the signs that he'd intended for - or maybe even expected - Yamato to take the cue and patch things up.

It's not really fair of him to expect something like that. He knows it, somewhere, but he's too angry right now to really care about that. He focuses instead on the fact that Yamato isn't refuting his quiet fears that the current him is just not good enough, but feeding it by asking not for his return, but for the return of the sword. He knows it isn't true - surely not, right? - but it pokes and prods at old bruises, little wounds that say you're not really much without that sword. If anything, that just makes him want to spitefully hold onto it.

...And perhaps more importantly, even though Yamato's hands against it had been a comfort earlier, he doesn't particularly feel like dealing with that right now on top of everything else.]

You don't get to tell me what to do. [Followed by a quick jerk of his arm, intending to break away from his grip.] Don't touch me.

[okitactless]

[The worst part, probably, is that Yamato doesn't even look surprised. His eyes are still a maelstrom of upset, but he nods, like this is exactly what he thought Kashuu was going to say all along. And maybe it was. He knows Kashuu cares more than he wants to admit to anybody, especially to himself. Doesn't this just prove it? How can he not see that he never really moved on, like he so desperately claims? How can he cling to that sword so tightly and still hiss that everything they had was a waste? It's contradictory and stupid and Yamato isn't sure how much more he can take without just punching Kashuu himself.

"Don't touch me," he says, and that gets a reaction--a brief flash of surprise, and a half-step backwards as Kashuu tears himself away, like the recoil from a gun. But it fades quickly, and he shakes his head.]

This is exactly what I'm talking about. You say I'm the one hung up on the past and it doesn't matter, but you can't even let go of a sword you say you're never going to use again? What, are you going to throw it away? Use it on me? [He doesn't bother stopping to let Kashuu acknowledge either of those. They're not real options, as far as he's concerned.] If it's so useless , how come you can't even let go of this one thing?

[He shakes his head again, taking another step back, but this time, it's to steady himself.] You can lie to yourself all you want, Kiyomitsu, but you can't fool me. And I won't listen to you trying to tell me that the only thing that's ever mattered to me is a stupid waste of time. Not anymore.

[Maybe someday he'll be able to admit that it's the only thing he's good at. The only thing he's ever known how to do. But he doesn't have the words, and that's not a thought at the forefront of his mind right now.

His shoulders have risen in tension, but his head hangs low, bowed with the weight of these heavy feelings.]

Find someone else to watch your back next time.

[The most painful, terrifying thing in the world to Yamato is watching the people he loves walk away from him. As it turns out, he learns, as he backs up a few more steps and turns around, it doesn't feel any better when it's his own decision.]

[sharplydressed]

[He doesn't even want to explain to Yamato why he's wrong - even though he's not entirely wrong, rarely ever is about things like this - just because it somehow seems too personal now. While he tends to shy away from sharing those painful or embarrassing personal things with Yamato even on good days, it's too much to bear the thought of now, when Yamato is the one turning his back first. Maybe when he's in a more self-deprecating mood, he'll figure he deserves this. Right now, it just feeds into his current negativity and anger, leading to a bizarre sort of vindication when he turns around to leave, too.

Petulantly, he wants to shout after him; something like fine or that won't be hard or any assortment of things designed to hurt. It's not that he wants to get the last word in for the sake of smugness so much as for his own self-defense.

In the end, he doesn't say anything. Ignoring those needling words might just be playing into the notion that he runs from everything he dislikes or can't handle, but right now, that's not important for him to disprove. Not really.

So he doesn't wait or watch Yamato's back as he leaves, and he isn't the one to extend the olive branch either even though the opportunity is his as much as it had been Yamato's. He walks away, too, with the pointed air of someone who doesn't plan on coming back any time soon - and he won't. While Yamato is staying with his mom, Kashuu will be couch surfing for three or four days or so until he gets tired of feeling like he's barred from his own home (even if it's self-inflicted). For now? He's not focusing on the "where" beyond "anywhere that I won't have to see Yamato's face".

Especially since he can already feel his own heating up further in anger and shame, and he's not about to cry in public.]